Where's me pint?

WORDS FOR YOU TO LIVE BY

2011-08-21T16:58:00.004+10:00

News: a movie portraying Margaret Thatcher will be out soon. Fun fact about Maggie's late husband:

In public, he nearly always kept his opinions to himself, but he was believed to have been instrumental in at least three Cabinet sackings, insisting to his wife that she had to get rid of people who were not reliable.

"Loyalty, to me, is the one quality all men must have" he once said.

Consider that my new motto, once you take out the commas.

I WILL DESTROY THE LOT OF YOU

2011-07-27T17:46:00.007+10:00

A lot of my friends have been starting up their own blogs lately. Like this and this and this and this and this and this and this one as well.

That's what I refer to as "muscling in on my territory". My attitude to all of this is summed up here.

A PRANKTACULAR APRIL FOOLS PRANKING

2011-07-24T14:03:00.013+10:00

One of my sisters went pranking recently, with pranktacular results. The target: her twin sister's desk.

Before the improvements:

After being improved:

That's my sister, digitally edited into the photos. Or maybe she was actually there with Beiber, I don't know.

Epic.

Hat tip to Katrina Morris for creating this pranktastic shrine to the power of pranking, and to the unfortunate victim: Vanessa Morris.

ON THIS DAY

2011-06-05T14:38:00.001+10:00

On this day in 1990: "President Bush and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to reduce stockpiles of long-range nuclear weapons". But not by firing them at each other. Boring!

This day in 1990 sucked! Here's hoping for a more fun-filled day tomorrow:

DESK CALENDAR WISDOM

2011-05-11T20:07:00.003+10:00

From today's desk calendar: insults listed and called un-Parliamentary in Great Britain's Parliamentary Handbook:

Cad. Pecksniffian cant. Stool pigeon. Guttersnipe. Murderer. Swine. Cheeky young pup.

I fear I would not do well in Great Britain's Parliament. My entire repertoire of insults, wiped out in one cruel stroke.

Those Pecksniffian cants have done me over again!

IN OTHER NEWS

2011-04-15T13:31:00.007+10:00

Opposition Immigration spokesman Scott Morrison, Labor MP Jason Clare, independent MP Robert Oakeshott and a group of young people are currently travelling on the Sandakan Mateship Trek in commemoration of the 1,000 Diggers who were force marched to their death in World War Two.

“The Mateship Trek is an opportunity to not only learn about and commemorate the sacrifice of our Diggers but also about appreciating the values that bind us as a nation,” Mr Morrison said.

The gruelling 260km march began on 8 April 2011 and the group is expected to return on Sunday 17 April 2011 in time for ANZAC services being held in Australia.

Predictably, Scott Morrison seized the opportunity to try and murder Oakeshott during the trek, however his efforts were thwarted by Clare:

Foiled again

HERE WE GO AGAIN

2011-03-25T21:20:00.008+11:00

Another NSW State election will be held tomorrow. Leading contender Barry O'Farrell was spotted below:

At the Woodstock Kindergarten in the previously safe, Labor-held inner-western Sydney seat of Strathfield, Mr O'Farrell had to develop his upside-down reading skills as he rested The Very Hungry Caterpillar on his lap and read it aloud. The 20 eager preschoolers did an excellent impression of never having heard a word of it before.

Later, Mr O'Farrell was shown the ropes of an alphabet-learning computer game by four-year-old Shewta Adaikalavan. As he was leaving, one of Shewta's classmates (a little boy, of course) called out to Mr O'Farrell: "You're a silly bum-bum."

"What did you say?" the putative NSW premier said with mock outrage. The little boy was suddenly lost for words, but his mate kindly volunteered: "He said you were a silly bum-bum."

Never before have I seen such an incisive description of either candidate at any election. Sometimes it takes an innocent child to state what we’re all thinking but are too afraid to say out loud, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. Pages of analysis couldn’t sum up O’Farrell quite as accurately as this four-year-old.

I’m voting for that kid. For real change.

Silly bum-bum.

Doodie head.

SHOCKING UPDATE!!!!

A random Liberal hanger-on (forefront) was spotted here, pummelling his wife with both fists. O'Farrell sits with wife Rosemary watching on in amusement.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

2011-01-14T23:55:00.006+11:00

See if you can guess the rest of this headline: Hugh Hefner's lady shows off her massive...

UPDATE!!!!

And in other celebrity news:

Troubled actor Matthew Newton has broken his silence for the first time since allegedly attacking former girlfriend Rachael Taylor, confirming he remains in treatment for "a long-term and undiagnosed ailment".

It's called "being a douche".

APOLOGIES

2011-01-06T20:14:00.008+11:00

By all accounts, 2010 was a slow year for posting on Where's Me Pint.

Personally, I blame a lack of competition. Where's Me Pint's market domination is absolute and unchallenged. With no possibility of any other blogs moving in on my territory, there is no need to produce any further content. I can simply coast on my previous efforts and watch the money roll in.

A shot from the living room of my beach-side mansion, paid for with the profits from Where's Me Pint.

More splendour.

One of the many cars in my collection. This one came with Kim Kardashian.

Stop me if I'm making you jealous.

Living large at beach-side parties is all part of the Where's Me Pint lifestyle. That's me in the middle.

On the other hand, it's not always easy being insanely cashed up on cold hard blog monies, living in magnificent beach-side mansions while partying day and night with many scantily clad ladies. But someone has to do it.

UPDATE!!!!

My accountant informs me Where's Me Pint is operating at a loss, and has been from the beginning. Shit!

He has also informed me those are images of Tiger Wood's house, and that my recollection involving those other images may not be 100% accurate. Shit!

MEGA-UPDATE!!!!

The rest of 2010 was also shit-house. Naturally that was everyone else's fault.

SUPER-MEGA-UPDATE!!!!

Good news! I've fired my accountant.

MORE ELECTION MADNESS

2010-08-13T15:18:00.006+10:00

Tony Abbott brought a twist to the Australian election campaign today, by kidnapping a child:

"Aaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa!" - Abbott

How absconding with a youngster would help his campaign has yet to be determined.

Abbott has yet to offer a comment and has not been seen since he ran off down the road.

P.S. I promise this will be the last election-related blog post. But like all promises relating to an election campaign, this one will probably be broken.

LOL-POLITICS

2010-08-06T13:33:00.008+10:00

JULIA Gillard has still yet to talk directly to Kevin Rudd about him joining her campaign, saying they have been communicating by text message.

Ms Gillard she hopes to catch up with Mr Rudd in Brisbane tomorrow but conceded she had not spoken directly with him.

“We're chronic, chronic texters, chronic BlackBerry users,” Ms Gillard told ABC radio.

“And so we've been communicating like that and we're going to catch up face-to-face on Saturday.”

In another stunning exclusive, this blog has obtained a transcript of the text messages exchanged between the two politicians:

Text message sent by Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard ("JG"): oh hai dere! u still mad??

Text message sent in reply by former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd ("KR"): wtf LOL yes

JG: zomg lyk build a bridge & lyk get over it

KR: u get over it

JG: k cn u lyk stop bein baby n help me stop abbott nao?

KR: u stop bein baby & you help me stop abbott now!

JG: um k. will u halp or no?

KR: ye ye sure whatevs. i can has ministry 4 foreign affairs now?

JG: ummmmmmmmmmm….......yes

KR: sweet

JG: we b friends now?

KR: Lol

Politics at it’s finest.

SHOCKING UPDATE!!!!

Political campaign descends into no-holds-barred wrestling match, somehow.

SHOCKING TWITTER EXCHANGE!!!!
(Between myself and the editor of The Punch David Penberthy, after he posted this article)

@Penbo Hey, you stole my idea! http://tiny.cc/wv4h5

Penbo @MrDenorris great (or strange) minds mate. Didn't see yours til you sent me the link. Honest!

LAZY FRIDAY AFTERNOONS AT WORK

2010-07-09T17:12:00.000+10:00

After spending Friday morning busting my balls at Parramatta Local Court I arrived back at the office.

Around closing time my boss asked me to provide a hearing report to him so he could forward it on to the client that day. I gave him a hearing report all right.

Below is a true copy.

So & So Case Hearing Report
I went to that place where the Court stuff is heard and a few things happened.

The first thing that happened was the matter was set down for final hearing.

The other thing that happened was the other guy said he wanted to file another affidavit and we said yeah.

As I said before we should probably file their first affidavit or things might go bad.

The end.

A MODEST MILESTONE, AND A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO INSULT EVERYONE

2010-05-24T17:21:00.003+10:00

Where's Me Pint now has 100 posts. My blog is therefore (100 minus [X]) times better than yours, where X = the number of posts on your blog.

If you don't have a blog, well I don't blame you. Not everyone can be a super star.

And if you happen to have a blog which has more than 100 posts: Christ you need to get a life.

WHERE'S ME PINT: NOW BANNED IN PAKISTAN

2010-05-23T13:46:00.000+10:00

Posting continues to be slow here at Where's Me Pint. To make it up to my loyal reader (if you're reading this, that's you), here are some scantily clad women:

It's a tough job, selecting these photos. But I do it for the fan.

OH OH, THINGS ARE GETTING POLITICAL AROUND HERE, IT MUST BE AN ELECTION YEAR

2010-03-04T00:03:00.002+11:00

1) "We didn't properly, I think, estimate the complexity of what we were embarking on." - Kevin Rudd.

2) “We didn’t anticipate how hard it was going to be to deliver things.” - Kevin Rudd.

3) "It turns out promising to do things is easier than actually doing them! Whoops!" - Kevin Rudd.

See if you can pick which quote out of the three is fake. Choose correctly and you may win a prize!*

*Disclaimer: In the event you win a prize, it will be from a source unconnected with this blog and entirely co-incidental.

HOT SCOOP

2010-02-23T13:35:00.005+11:00

Just between you and me, I know a guy who knows a guy, who saw Peter Garrett last night sneaking around with a can of gasoline, setting someone’s house on fire.

At the time he was heard yelling something along the lines of “HOW DO THEY SLEEP WHILE THEIR BEDS ARE BURNING, AAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

When questioned about the incident, Kevin Rudd defended Garrett’s actions, stating “I have absolute confidence in the minister” and that setting houses on fire “has been a very hard program to implement”.

UPDATE!!!!

More evidence of Garrett's night-time activities has come to light:

Peter Garrett, photographed in 1995 discussing the merits of burning down houses with the local constabulary.

JUDGES QUESTION VALIDITY OF ROAD STUDY

2010-02-19T09:32:00.009+11:00

ATTORNEYS and judges may be sticklers to the word of the law but it seems they are not quite so adherent to the rules of the road, topping a list of the the top 10 most dangerous drivers by profession.

A study by online US insurance company insurance.com found 44 per cent of attorneys claimed a prior accident when looking for a car insurance comparison quote from insurance.com.

The Top 10 most dangerous drivers by profession are:
1. Attorney/Judge
2. Financial professionals
3. Government worker
4. Bartender or waiter
5. Business professionals
6. Dog groomer
7. Marketing/advertising professionals
8. Barber/stylist
9. Coach
10. Nurse

When questioned by reporters regarding the results of the study, Supreme Court Justice Christopher Brian Bridges made the following comment:

“I'm doin' a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit get the fuck outta my way!
I’m D.U.I. hardly ever caught sober, and you about to get ran the fuck over!”

Bridges J was earlier spotted engaging in an impromptu debate on road safety, as seen in the below footage:

BOOBS

2010-02-02T19:39:00.007+11:00

Sorry for not posting much lately, I've been distracted by other projects.

To make it up to you, here are some photos of scantily clad women:

That's all you come here for anyway, right?

GOOGLE'S QUOTE OF THE DAY

2010-01-18T22:16:00.005+11:00

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever"
- Anonymous

...apparently it didn't work for that guy.

SEX AND THE CITY 2: A FUTURISTIC WAR MOVIE

2009-12-10T21:51:00.004+11:00

Sex and the City 2's first poster has been revealed:

As you can see, Sarah Jessica Parker has been replaced by a soulless golden-metallic skinned cyborg.

Although producers are remaining tight-lipped on the details of the plot, the poster does show "Carrie" calmly walking away from some kind of blinding explosion or flash grenade.

"Shortly after completing the first film we realised it didn't have enough kick-ass explosions or awesome fight scenes to really, you know, make the movie worth watching. In Sex and the City 2 we corrected that mistake" - Director Michael Patrick King.

King dismissed suggestions that changes to the franchise might alienate it's mostly female fans.

"For the female fans I say: don't worry, there will still be plenty of hugging. But this time around the numerous long-winded discussions about the sex lives of 40-something year old women will be tempered by scenes containing giant chainsaw wielding mutants hacking each other to death in brutal, king-of-the-hill style battles. Really the movie has something for everyone".

Sex and the City 2 is slated for release in mid-2010.

MEETING THE PARENTS

2009-10-23T13:39:00.005+11:00

Heading up to Canberra to meet the ol' girlfriend's Dad this weekend.

I was looking forward to it...until she emailed me saying that "he's a bit like Chuck Norris". My response:

!!!!

Like Chuck Norris? Like Chuck Norris?! That’s ten times worse than anything I could have possibly imagined in my worst nightmares.

*chokes*

I see it all now.

He’ll greet me at the front door, towering over me, barrel chested and wearing an unbuttoned flannelette shirt. He’ll put down the axe he just used to cut down several giant trees before reaching out and giving me a handshake that instantly crushes my hand. A shotgun blast to the face will seem merciful by comparison.

Before I’ve had time to recover he’ll give me a tour of the house, his booming voice shattering my ear drums as he shows me trophies of giant animals he’s killed with his bare hands.

He’ll invite us to lunch, serving us both bowls of burning hot coals smothered in Tabasco sauce, with Guatemalan insanity peppers ground in for extra flavour. If I show even a hint of discomfort at the meal he’s prepared, he’ll instantly kill me with a sharp stare for daring to show such weakness in his presence.

I’ll ask to use the bathroom. He’ll tell me the nearest outhouse can only be reached via an 11 kilometer trek through snow and rocky terrain, and that real men make the journey bare foot, and often, because real men have high fibre diets.

And the whole time I’ll be trapped. Trapped in Canberra with no possibility of a quick escape.

Oh, I’ve seen it all.

*Sobs quietly*

UPDATE!!!!

My girlfriend responds: "I think he'll like you."

Well, that makes me feel much better then.

A FUN DAY OUT WITH OBAMA

2009-09-19T22:50:00.003+10:00

In today's news:

President Obama staged an Olympic rally at the White House on Wednesday, saying the United States was cheering for his hometown of Chicago in it's efforts to host the 2016 Summer Games.

He was joined by first lady Michelle Obama, Olympic and Paralympic athletes, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley and middle school children.

Sith Lord Darth Obama, seen here intimidating the Olympic Rally with his lightsaber skills.

However, the mood soured later in the day when Obama discovered that champion fencer Tim Morehouse, who was in attendance at the Olympic Rally, had previously only won a silver medal at the 2008 Olympics.

An enraged Obama threatens to execute the fencer for failing to win gold. Morehouse begs for mercy.

Obama loses patience and lunges forward, striking a killing blow.

Obama, his bloodlust apparently unsated, then turned on his wife:

"No one will stand in my way" Obama was heard muttering.

Obama then took some time out from his killing rampage to watch some light entertainment:

"HAHAHAHA, yes yes, fight to the death!" - Obama, watching two minions battle

Obama watches on in amusement as the killing blow is dealt.

Later, one of the fencers challenged him to a mock fight:

"Obama doesn't need a weapon!" he said, before swinging a deadly right hook at his opponent. The fencer did not survive.

Obama, seen here using the force to choke a young gymnast for his own gratification.

Obama later finished proceedings by delivering an inspirational speech to the gathered members of United States Olympic Committee:

"All will fear me but follow me!" he yelled shaking his fist, to rousing applause from the crowd.

Obama soon left the area, exclaiming: "So long, suckers!" before flapping his arms furiously:

His approval ratings have never been higher.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

2009-09-07T18:10:00.004+10:00

Quote: "We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site" - two Bangladeshi newspapers, who reprinted one of the Onion's satirical articles as fact.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

2009-09-07T18:03:00.005+10:00

Headline: Hitler sex tape ad starts TV war.

Over half a century on, and that f*** Hitler is still starting wars.

Also, now he's making sex tapes. Let this be added to the list of his other crimes against humanity.

EGADS

2009-09-07T18:01:00.002+10:00

I've gone nearly two whole months without posting anything. It's due to the Global Financial Crisis you see. Do you know how much it costs to print each one of these words!?

Neither do I, but I'm sure it's a lot. Remind me to have a word with my accountant.

UPDATE!!!

My Accountant just got back to me. He says I'm still broke.

GENTLEMAN, START YOUR ENGINES!

2009-07-08T20:43:00.015+10:00

NSW police will not issue on the spot fines for a week after wage negotiations with the state government broke down.

The NSW Police Association said it was forced to take the action after the government failed to follow an Industrial Relations Commission recommendation to resume wage negotiation by 4pm (AEST) on Wednesday.

Association president Bob Pritchard said police would "exercise their discretion" and not issue on the spot fines for traffic, parking, rail and boating infringements.

If I may make a modest prediction, this is more or less what you can expect to see on Sydney's streets early on this week:

That's me, in the pink convertible

Hey buddy, you're on fire!

Fine that, losers!

Outta the way, Gramps!

*Yawn*

Pretty boring night out if you ask me. Fortunately, that situation isn't likely to last.

If things pan out the way I'm expecting them to, by the end of the week Sydney's streets will start to look a lot more like this:

Gonna be a fun week. I'll see you guys at the finish line.

JOB APPLICATION MARK II

2009-06-09T17:45:00.006+10:00

My boss was complaining today about the dozens of semi-literate, incomprehensible or otherwise unsuitable job applications he has been receiving for a position he's currently offering online.

I decided to jump on Seek and submit an application myself, to show those amateurs how it's done. Behold!

JOB APPLICATION
From Christoff Morris

Hire me now!

I am the Evil twin of Christopher Morris, but I am way better than he is!

We were separated at a young age, he was sent to Australia, I was sent to Russia.

Boy did I draw the short straw!

Regardless, my time trekking through the desolate Siberian wastelands taught me valuable skills that make me well suited to working in the fields of law, or accounting.

I can track and kill a Seal with my bare hands, and I can live for weeks at a time by eating snow, and nothing else.

I also briefly studied hand-to-hand combat with the KGB. Should your respectable firm have any enemies, I can discreetly "take care" of them, if you catch my drift.

I have not attached a resume, because my covering letter is awesome.

So when do I start?

I look forward to your positive response.

P.S. Hire me and I can give you all the dirt on Christopher you could ever need, and some other stuff about him you'll wish you'd never learned.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

2009-06-04T12:22:00.002+10:00

This image stolen from Trollcats.

AT MY FRIEND'S REQUEST, HERE'S A REVIEW OF HIS NEW BLOG

2009-05-10T18:31:00.000+10:00

It sucks.

"SQUEEZED LIKE A LEMON"

2009-04-16T21:15:00.003+10:00

Every now and then you came across something that makes you think: What the hell?

UPDATE!!!

In unrelated news, I have decided to move to Russia to take up a career in beauty salon robbing. I'll send you a postcard, tell you how it works out.

AND THE OSCAR FOR BEST PILE OF CRAP GOES TO...

2009-04-05T19:19:00.006+10:00

Holy crap! This website allows talent-free miscreants like myself to make short movies using little computerised block people...for free!

Check out my first effort:

Watch out, Hollywood! Your domination of the movie industry is about to come to an end.

Probably...

NO FURTHER COMMENT NECESSARY

2009-02-19T23:25:00.001+11:00

Oooooooooow!

UPDATE!!!

And another thing:

Oooooooooow!

ATTENTION PLEASE!

2009-02-04T22:18:00.000+11:00

Here are some scantily clad women:

Because this blog, and indeed every blog, and indeed every other site on the internet, and indeed everything else period, needs more scantily clad women.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Besides, I felt like drumming up some hits. People certainly don't come here for my other content, I can tell you that much!

SECOND! AND PROBABLY LAST!

2009-01-27T19:01:00.006+11:00

The British Royal Air Force, apparently having nothing better to do, have decided to use the UFOs now plaguing their skies for target practice.

I for one fully support the RAF's decision. The sooner the Brits antagonise these alien visitors into wiping out humanity, the sooner the irritating debate over the existence of UFOs will come to an end.

Win, win.

FIRST!

2009-01-27T18:33:00.009+11:00

Here it is! Where's Me Pint's first post for 2009! Hazaa! Just in case you're living in a cave and your satellite Internet connection will allow you to connect to this blog and nothing else, here's how things have gone down in 2009 so far:

A black man has seized control of the White House, finally signalling the end of the American civil war. Who would have thought whitey would lose?

In unrelated news, everything else has gone to shit.

I'll get back to you at the end of 2009 to give you an update on whether humanity has survived, but I'm going to be honest with you Jim, from where I'm sitting things aren't looking good.

The barbarians are at the gates. I pray the Lord forgives us our sins.

UPDATE!!!

I have just at this moment realised this post doesn't make a lot of sense. To my critics who say my posts should make more sense, I say this, and simply this:

Purple Monkey Dishwasher!

And more importantly: Fuck off! I've already made my views known on you critics and your criticising criticisms. Your Head-a-splode!!

This is 2009, the year of the Lunatic on the Chinese Calendar, and being a lunatic, it seems my time has finally come.

It's good to be King.

MEGA UPDATE!!!

It has been pointed out to me that it is, in fact, the year of the Ox on the Chinese Calendar, not the year of the Lunatic as I may have previously suggested. But seeing as I was born in the year of the Ox, it is still my year, so rock on, bitches!

WELL THAT SUCKS...

2008-12-09T22:53:00.004+11:00

A young woman has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss.

The twentysomething woman was taken to hospital in the Chinese city of Zhuhai, in southern Guangdong province, completely deaf in her left ear after the smooch.

'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.

The doctor said the woman's hearing would return to normal within two or three months.

'While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution,' the newspaper added.

Fuck it! Isn't life hard enough without having to worry about a kiss making your head explode?

LOL-SURGERY

2008-12-04T22:02:00.003+11:00

A British surgeon volunteering in the Democratic Republic of Congo used text message instructions to perform a life-saving arm amputation, he said on Wednesday.

David Nott knew that the 16-year-old boy needed a forequarter amputation removing his left shoulder blade after his arm was bitten off by a hippopotamus while fishing.

But the general and vascular surgeon had never carried out such an operation before and knew it was a huge risk.

So he text messaged a London colleague who texted him back telling him how to do it.

In a stunning exclusive, this blog has obtained a transcript of the text messages exchanged between the two doctors:

Text message sent by Volunteer Surgeon David Nott ("DT"):
omfg, need amputation instructions stat!!

Text message sent in reply by Professor Meirion Thomas ("MT"):
roflcopter, y u want dat??

DT: hungry hungry hippo 8 some kids arm

MT: u r have to be shitting me!!!

DT: 4 real! its bleedin all over n shit. wat shud i do??

MT: chill out, heres wat u do. 1st, chop the damn thing off lololol!!!

DT: omgwtfbbq, cant find my hacksaw

MT: OMG, Shut up!

DT: Chillaxe! im choppin now

MT: next, ligate the brachial artery to prevent further hemorrhaging before transecting the arm muscles.

DT: wat?

MT: den wrap dat shit up tighter than ur mums ****

DT: Dude, get out!

MT: u done yet im bored.

DT: im done kids fine. im goin 2 pub 2 get wasted

MT: u da man! lollerskates! buy dat kid a drink 2 lol

Medicine at it's finest.

LET'S FACE IT, THEY'RE JUST NOT VERY USEFUL

2008-11-20T09:06:00.003+11:00

Headline: UN urged to send more troops to Congo

Hey I have a question. If you increase the size of a useless force, does it become more useless?

Or does it simply maintain the same level of uselessness, but over a larger area?

I throw it open for debate.

EVIL-DOER PUNISHED

2008-11-09T22:18:00.003+11:00

AN ISLAMIST rebel administration in Somalia ordered that a girl, 13, be stoned to death for adultery after the child’s father reported that she was raped by three men. Amnesty International said the al-Shabab militia, which controls the city of Kismayo, arranged for 50 men to stone Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow in front of about 1000 spectators.

That sounds firm but fair.

IT BEGINS

2008-09-30T19:37:00.004+10:00

"A 45-year old Danish municipal worker was tragically killed by an industrial robotic lawnmower this afternoon, after the unit tumbled off a slope and onto the poor fellow doing his job."

The name of the robot that murdered him was "Dvorak Spider 01 Unit".

I for one welcome our new robot overlords. All hail master Dvorak!

IN DEFENCE OF BITTERNESS

2008-09-22T18:27:00.006+10:00

Desk calendar quote of the day:

"You can't be fuelled by bitterness. It can eat you up, but it cannot drive you" - Benazir Bhutto, assassinated Pakistani politician.

Yeah well, if she had it all figured out, how come she's dead?

If she had been filled with bitterness like the rest of us*, she would have played it smart and kept her head down. Instead she decided to let a smile be her umbrella, like all those deluded upbeat types. Turns out that isn't enough to protect you from a hail of bullets.

At any rate, I'm afraid I will have to disagree. Bitterness can drive you, to acts of spite, which in turn bring untold satisfaction. For example, it's bitterness that drives a man to hit the 'close door' button on an elevator and then watch the doors slam shut in the face of some shmoe who was running towards the elevator but didn't quite make it. Deeeelicious >: )

*If you're one of those rare, insufferable individuals who aren't filled with bitterness, get lost! You're not welcome here, or in any of the other places my associates and I congregate.

LAME JOKE ALERT

2008-09-17T22:19:00.004+10:00

A Saudi Arabian Cleric has stated Mickey Mouse is "one of Satan's soldiers" and must be killed.
"Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases." - Sheikh Muhammad Munajid.

Surely he's taking the Mickey.

*Audience/readers: Booooooooo! Hissssss! Get off the stage, c***!*

"Last month Mr Munajid condemned the Beijing Olympics as the "bikini Olympics", claiming that nothing made Satan happier than seeing females athletes dressed in skimpy outfits."

Well, duh. Satan is a guy.

BUSINESS AS USUAL IN STATE POLITICS

2008-09-14T22:36:00.003+10:00

"I subsequently put it to the former minister late last night that there had been too many reports of you in your underwear for me to ignore." - NSW Premier Nathan Rees.

A few days in as the top dog of the state and the defining quote of his premiership has already been decided.

I weep for NSW.

IS THIS THING STILL HERE?

2008-09-11T00:26:00.003+10:00

Oh right, I just remembered I have a blog.

I suppose I'll get around to updating it, when I can be arsed.

EDDIE MCGUIRE

2008-08-06T19:13:00.003+10:00

Captain Humble gives a speech:

On Monday Mr McGuire lectured Collingwood players about their responsibilities and highlighted how much sacrifice club officials, including himself, had made.

It is believed Mr McGuire indicated being president had cost him "four or five" Gold logies. He refused further comment last night.

I'll give him an award if he agrees to pull his head out of his arse.

JOIN THE CLUB

2008-07-24T22:39:00.005+10:00

Feeling lonely? Well you're not alone, according to this study:

People who need people are the happiest people of all, but about a quarter of Australians are socially isolated and feel they do not belong, research shows.

They should start a club and only invite other people who feel like they don't belong.

Problem solved.

If you know of any other problems that need solving, send a letter + cheque to myself at the usual address.

IT'S ALL THERE FOR THE TAKING

2008-07-14T22:06:00.002+10:00

MILESTONE REACHED

2008-06-29T19:22:00.006+10:00

Did you see that? I've slammed down seven posts for the month! ...And now it's eight!

If only someone would read them.

That person would be very happy with the amount of free content I've churned out. It wouldn't make up for the amount of anger and disgust they would feel reading each post, but still...

I award myself an "A" for effort.

IRAQI OIL RANT

2008-06-29T18:37:00.003+10:00

In lieu of producing any content that's original or interesting, I have decided to re-post an old tirade of mine. In light of today's sky-rocketing oil prices, it remains as relevant and insightful today as when I wrote it back in 2003:

The people who know me will have noticed that recently I have become enraged...much more so than usual. And all the time too, not just on weekdays or after a few pints. Why you ask, why!? Is it because some kid vomited on his new shoes? Did he get pulled over by the cops cause he ran over some pedestrian who deserved it? Was he bitten by a smelly hippy, so now he will become one?

All those things happened, but they aren't why I'm angry at this particular moment. No, the answer is much more obvious.

I'm angry about the substance that greases our TV screens, burns in our light bulbs and causes the earth to spin on it's axis around the sun. I'm talking about the stuff that all life depends upon, that sweet, black, Texas-T style oil! God I love it, but on the other hand, I hate paying for it, and that's part of why I'm angry. Allow me to explain.

As we all know, the only reason I supported the Iraq war was so that I could save a few bucks down at the gas station. At least I can be honest about it. Some of those right-wingers are still trying to convince us they supported the war because of "Weapons of mass destruction" and "humanitarian" reasons, but now that we have conclusive proof that there were never any WMD's, and that no crimes were ever committed by Saddam at any stage, I think a few more conservatives are going to come out with the truth: "We wanted Iraqi oil by the barrelful, yeeeehaw!" - Cheney.

But don't think the right-wingers are the only ones who got it all wrong. I remember it was the protesters, not the neo-cons, who were promising me the big oil savings. "Blood for oil?" I thought, watching one of many protests. "Sounds like a fair trade to me!”

But now I find the exact opposite has happened! Uncertainty over the Iraq war has actually contributed to increasing oil prices, along with increasing demand in India and China. And it gets worse. I opened up the paper the other day to find that Australia is waiving a $600 million debt owed to us for wheat shipments we made before 1991, $500 million of which will be paid for by ME, John Q. Taxpayer! I have to pay $3 for a loaf of bread, meanwhile the government is handing out the stuff for free!

What a rip! But anyway, where was I?

Ah yes, the Iraqi oil price scandal.

In light of the fact that oil prices have gone through the roof, no significant stockpiles of WMD's have been found, and that Muqtada al-Sadr has just been elected president of the interim Iraqi government (an event that will no doubt precede the total collapse of Iraq), it is clear that we should not have invaded Iraq.

Instead, we should have invaded India and China.

A quick, decapitation strike aimed at their governments should be able to stop them before they can get their fingers on their nuclear mega-death kill switches. Then we can relax, sit back and enjoy the show as a general bombing campaign aimed at their infrastructure/businesses/oil refineries/homes etc blasts them until there's nothing left.

Because if they think they're going to enjoy economic prosperity at my expense, even if that expense amounts to a few cents a litre, then they can bloody well think again!

EVERYBODY LOVES LADY LOVE

2008-06-23T23:20:00.002+10:00

I'm thinking about starting a new religion, one that would be founded on the holiest of holy concepts: the celebration of lady love.

I became inspired after witnessing the following miracle, sent down from the heavens by the Holy Father himself so that all of mankind may bask in it's blessings:

I was later overjoyed to discover that I was not the only one concerned with spreading the Good Lord's message to the yet-to-be-converted. Listen closely as brother "Pittsburgh Slim" delivers the following sermon. It would truly be a heart of stone that is not swayed by his message:

There's no punchline here. This is not a subject one can make jokes about.

...

Booioioioing!

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE CLAIMED

2008-06-23T19:10:00.002+10:00

Australia has won the World Heavyweight Title and is now officially the world's fattest nation, with one in four of us considered obese.

Well, it's good to be No. 1, and if we couldn't win the race to the moon, we can at least say we have beaten the Yanks at this.

UPDATE!!!

Interestingly, at the last two Olympic games Australia p0wned the competition in terms of medals per capita won, coming a respectable fourth in 2000 and third in 2004.

Presumably there is some correlation between a nation's per capita medal count and how athletic it's population is. This being the case, then Australians are simultaneously among the world's most athletic citizens, and also among the world's fattest.

Australia's "biggest losers" take to the track:

Run faster fatty! The nation's hopes for Olympic glory rest on your shoulders!

VACATION SEX

2008-06-18T21:46:00.004+10:00

Further to my other posts relating to sex-filled sextacular sexiness, I'm linking to this article on why vacation sex is better.

Some people may say that shamelessly flogging this kind of sleaze in a lazy attempt to drum up hits is beneath my talents, and that I have brought shame on myself by publishing content unworthy of an otherwise fine blog.

Those people are idiots.

AND EVEN MORE SEXINESS

2008-06-18T21:38:00.007+10:00

Just to crank up the sex-factor around here to previously un-imaginable levels, here are a few sexy photos:

Who said this blog is gradually turning into a hardcore porn site?? I certainly didn't.

FEEDBACK

2008-06-06T20:45:00.002+10:00

A while back I left the following tirade on the Feedback section of my friend Miles' website, but I have now decided to post it here because no one reads the Feedback section of Miles' website:

From: Everything that's wrong with society, and why it's your fault.

Everyone pays too much tax these days. Why? Because the working class (that’s me, plus a few other people) foot the bill for lazy humanities students who are good at writing endless essays about nothing but will never become useful in the real world. That includes you!

We both know you’ll skip the country when the HECS bill arrives. Just give us a break.

And another thing. I always just miss my train. Every day. If I come 5 minutes early, it leaves 5 minutes and 10 seconds early. If I’m late, same story. I know you’re involved somehow!

The train service stinks. Always has and always will. And what have you done about it?? Nothing!

Some people blame City Rail. I know better.

All these things make God angry. All I can say is you’re part of the problem. I wouldn’t want to be you on Judgment day.

This website is bullshit. I can’t make head nor tail of the front page, and it only gets worse if I’m foolhardy enough to venture into those other sections. Most of them seem to be packed with your extreme anti-abortion views. I wish I was making this stuff up.

It’s just all very hard to read, especially for someone who’s blind. Have you considered adding Braille? I’d wager you haven’t!

Just forget your website for a moment. Sit down and listen to what I’m telling you. Get a real job. Something in the mining industry. That’s where the big money is.

In conclusion, if I were a lumberjack, I’d chop your house down.

DON'T FUCK WITH HIM

2008-06-06T20:30:00.001+10:00

Violence in Iraq has fallen to a four year low, and things in general seem to be looking up there. I, like many commentators, incorrectly attributed this result to the "surge" strategy employed by General Petraeus.

But then, the truth hit me like a round-house kick to the face:

Chuck Norris toured Iraq in September 2007!

Chuck Norris, planning victory

Chuck Norris loses patience with a minion and begins to snap his neck. It's the happiest moment of minion's life. Proud Father looks on.

Chuck Norris, seen here with the tank he used to win the war. Coincidentally, the tank is also called Chuck Norris.

UPDATE!!!

Progress is also now being made in Afghanistan. I wonder when Chuck Norris was there?

WANTED: VILLAIN

2008-05-27T14:38:00.005+10:00

Here's an email I sent around to all my co-workers the other day:

As you may already be aware, someone has seen fit to shuffle the dates on my desktop calendar and they are now in completely random order.

Naturally I want nothing less than swift, brutal justice to be dealt to the perpetrator of this heinous crime. This person is a danger to society and themselves, and they must be caught.

I cannot overemphasise the gravity of this situation. If this kind of behaviour isn't nipped in the bud now, who knows how long until this person progresses to more serious crimes, like serial killing? It is for this reason that I'm offering a cash reward* to whoever provides information leading to this persons capture and conviction.

Should you have any information, please call Crimestoppers immediately on 1800 333 000.

P.S. The 8th of October is missing. A clue?

* Please note cash reward will not exceed monetary value of the calendar.

DOESN'T QUITE COMPUTE

2008-05-25T21:20:00.000+10:00

Newz from New Zealand:

An Israeli tourist tired of wolf whistles from road workers in New Zealand stripped off her clothes in a show of defiance, police say.

The woman was about to use an ATM in the main street of Kerikeri, in the far north of the country, when the men whistled, the New Zealand Press Association reported.

She calmly stripped off, then used the cash machine, before getting dressed and walking away.

The woman told police she did not take too kindly to the whistling from the men repairing the road.

"She said she had thought 'bugger them, I'll show them what I've got'," Police Sergeant Peter Masters told NZPA.

I'm sure they learnt their lesson.

TERROR ON THE HIGH SEAS REVISITED

2008-05-25T18:50:00.002+10:00

My family, having learnt nothing from our last naval catastrophe, went up to Gosford over the weekend and once again decided it would a good idea to hire a boat and hit the water.

The guy who hired it out to us called it a "boat", although it would be more accurate to describe it as a glorified dingy:

Now that's just crap.

As could have been predicted, the engine cut out just as we were at the furthest point from the wharf.

The boat later went down with all six souls on board. May god have mercy on them all.

P.S. The tale of how I survived is a long and tedious one. I'll tell you about it some day.

A MIND-BLOWING SEX MARATHON

2008-04-05T14:40:00.006+11:00

Posting has been a little slow on this blog recently, so in order to drum up some business I'm linking to this article about sexy, sex-filled sex marathons, because sex sells. Sex!

Also, see the below post for more sex-related sex fiend-istry.

UPDATE!!

"Those that approach from the rear are much less likely to be cannibalised"

Good advice.

SEX CONTRACT

2008-04-04T13:43:00.001+11:00

Women should have to sign a contract before sex to combat false rape allegations, if proposed new laws are passed, independent MP Ann Bressington says.

She told (South Australia’s) Parliament the planned new laws – which make it an offence to continue a sex act with a person after consent if they changed their mind – would make it easier for men to be accused of rape…

“Perhaps this parliament could devise a contract which men could carry around in their pocket, next to their condoms… The contract may contain the name and address of the women, with her driver’s licence number, so that the man can see the signatures match, clauses that state that the woman has
or has not been drinking or taking drugs – licit or illicit – and that she consents to foreplay.”

Farfetched? Or an accurate prediction of things to come?

LEGAL EAGLES

2008-03-26T22:45:00.002+11:00

This Judge in America has been charged with judicial misconduct for, among other things, being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol while on the bench, and for causing a ruckus at something called a "Torpedo's Go Go Bar".

Is this behaviour unusual? My own experiences with persons working in the Legal Industry correspond very closely with this.

My instructing Solicitors invariably rock up to work late, smelling of booze. They pace the office hurling obscenities and liquor bottles at anyone foolhardy enough to bother them with anything resembling work, and you are more likely to find them poring over a liquor cabinet than a legal file.

In fact the only time they seem to do anything that even remotely resembles work is when they take a client out for drinks.

Considering all this, I think they came down pretty hard on that Judge. The law is an ass.

P.S. If any of the solicitors from my work read this, I'm referring to the lawyers from that other firm I work in. The one you don't know about.

BETRAYED!

2008-03-03T22:05:00.004+11:00

Just got an email from a Facebook application I foolishly signed up to called "Circle of Trust". This application allows you to rate your friends on their trust-worthiness.

The votes are in, and apparently I'm ranked 29th most trustworthy out of all my friends.

Well, I'll see you guys later, I'm off to sue everyone I know for defamation. That'll teach em for not trusting me!

JOB APPLICATION

2008-02-26T21:44:00.005+11:00

Here's an email I sent to a close personal acquaintance of mine the other day:

Dear Andy

I recall a few weeks back during a certain poker tournament you mentioned that you were hiring writers. I also recall that after I politely raised the possibility that I might apply for the job, you suggested that I had no writing skills.

Appalled by this slur on my reputation, I have today decided to make a quick career change and apply for any positions you have available. When considering my suitability I hope you will read the attached review which I have drafted to demonstrate that I do, in fact, have mad writing skills. I have not attached my CV because I consider this unnecessary.

So when do I start? If necessary I can write reviews while continuing to work at my current job, which is practically in a related field anyway.

Attachment:

Review: Andy's Face

What’s Hot:
Lack of scarring, “Premium” white skin colour

What’s Not:
Only available in one colour, Face is “male” as opposed to the generally preferred “female”.

The Final Word:
Andy’s Face is an affordable model with some interesting features that makes it well worth considering for the average face-buyer.

Claiming to be the hottest new face on the Berowra scene, the “Andy’s Face” prototype contains an attractive array of features certain to entice even the most jaded face-purchasing consumers.

Andy’s Face contains the industry standard layout comprising of two-eyes, a mouth and a nose located in the centre of the face. This un-inspiring “same-same” approach to face design is not particularly impressive, however we were not necessarily expecting anything revolutionary in that regard from the Kliem Corporation’s first foray in the world of Face-making.

One of the first things we noticed when reviewing Andy’s Face was the attractively located cheek bones, interesting use of shading and the almost total absence of disease. However, the in-built “eyeball” cameras that came with the model performed below the standard one would expect for a model of this type. The camera takes poor resolution images with auto-focus apparently disabled. In this day and age anything less than the 20-20 resolution that comes standard with most models is undesirable and not a strong selling point. Having said that, they do function passably without the need for any resolution-enhancing accessories.

Picture quality is about what we would expect for a model of this age and size (that is, the model is reasonably photogenic without being too showy about it).

Andy’s Face comes with its own pose-able stand comprising of a torso, arms, legs and head that hold the Face firmly in place. The stand is quite bulky, even when compared with similar stands sold with other models, however during the course of thorough testing we found it performed adequately. As an added bonus the stand itself can be used to perform various peripheral activities, such as drinking and playing poker.

One of the main detracting features we noticed about Andy’s Face and the accompanying stand is that it was quite difficult to control, even when threatened. The Face has a tendency act of its own accord, sometimes even to the point of acting totally independently of its owners control. This design flaw is not something this reviewer considers acceptable, although this may be forgiven considering the cheap asking price.

Fortunately there are a range of accessories that can be purchased which can give increased control over the Face, including whips, tasers and guns, however these must be purchased separately.

THAT'S NOT IN GOOD TASTE

2008-01-22T23:10:00.000+11:00

Headline from Fark:

"Explosion at winery leaves workers weak bodied with a rich red hue, containing discernible hints of charred debris and strong character best described as dead".

MUST CRUSH COMPETITION

2007-12-05T23:00:00.000+11:00

A friend of mine has shamelessly copied my example and recently created his own blog: Words that Rhyme with Nick.

Let me just say from the outset, I don't approve of other people making blogs.

Allowing your average joe to make blogs, porn sites, or anything else on the internet dilutes the total amount of content that can be found and makes it harder for people to find the premium content. Premium content, like, say for example, this blog.

For that reason, I intend to disparage Nick mercilessly until I have crushed his spirit and sent him into a violent depression that forces him to close up shop and kill himself. Frankly I'm doing him a favour. He'll understand one day.

"Words that ryhme with Nick", indeed. I'll tell you a few words that rhyme with Nick:

None-too-quick, prick, ball-lick and sucks on d***.

I also understand your mother has been pulling tricks.

Disparaging completed.

OH, THE IRONY!

2007-12-05T22:44:00.000+11:00

Man's life saved by his wedding ring.

THOSE WHACKY ITALIANS

2007-08-24T22:49:00.000+10:00

TOURISTS who do not want to be ripped off in Venice have been advised to stop their brutish behaviour and try to learn a bit of the local lingo.

A significant proportion of the city's bars and restaurants are now operating two, or even three, price lists: one for tourists, another for locals, and a third for "sympathetic" tourists who make more effort than the usual grunted demands.

"There are different pricing levels," admitted Franco Conte, the head of the Venetian branch of Codacons, the Italian consumer rights group. "If you are Italian, a croissant and a cappuccino costs €3.50 [$5.60]. If you speak another language it costs €7."

Should you be unfortunate enough to find yourself in Italy, I have provided here a list of phrases you can use in order to make your stay marginally more tolerable:

Please can I have the bill?
Ti mi fa el conto?

Why do I have to pay double?
Parcossa go dar pagar el dopio?

Do you think I am made of money?
Pensi che go le man sbuxe?

I'm never coming back to Venice!
Mi no tornarò piu a Venesai!

You have made a powerful enemy this day!
Avete reso ad un nemico potente questo giorno!

I will kill you so hard, your ancestors will die!
Li ucciderò in modo da duro, i vostri antenati moriranno!

Now you will taste the back of my hand!
Ora assagerete la parte posteriore della mia mano!

For full effect, that last one should be accompanied by a sudden back-handed slap. That none-too-subtle message should overcome any remaining language barriers.

P.S. Kudos to Alta Vista for the translations, although I'm sure they screwed it up.

THE TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

2007-08-24T21:34:00.000+10:00

You may be bored to know that in an episode of the animated series Futurama, chief protagonist Phillip J. Fry travels to the planet Tristol, "a mysterious planet in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone", where he becomes Emperor of a bunch of water people after accidentally drinking their previous Emperor.

Why did they make him Emperor? Because that's just how things are done around there.

But before he could be sworn in, Fry had to flawlessly recite the following royal oath from memory:

"I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant...who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honour and insanity...Uh, integrity!"

Over to Mark Steyn, who notes the following chain of events in Afghanistan:

"In Afghanistan, continuity is a luxury, a precious anomaly, and the present is nothing if not tense: [King] Zahir’s father was killed handing out prizes at a school ceremony. His predecessor was executed. The predecessor’s predecessor lasted three days. And, after Zahir came a string of presidents-for-life carried out by the handles in mid-term.
The king was toppled by his cousin and brother-in-law Daoud, who was killed by his successor Taraki, who was suffocated by his successor Hafizullah Amin, who was executed by the Soviets, who installed Babrak Karmal, who died in hospital in Moscow and in a radical break with precedent managed to outlive his replacement, Najibullah, whom the Taliban wound up hanging from a traffic light".

Between you and me, I'd rather live in Tristol.

THE FUTURE IS NOW

2007-08-24T21:17:00.000+10:00

Did you see that last post? Wow, now I can jam semi-interesting videos stolen from YouTube onto this blog in order to give it the illusion of quality, and to distract my dwindling readership from my own lack of talent.

Truly, we have entered a new age of wonder.

BUT WILL IT BLEND?

2007-08-24T21:12:00.000+10:00

This new-fangled iPhone cajigger is being touted as the the next best thing since sliced bread. It sure seems to have a fancy-sounding list of features, but the big question on everyone's lips is this: how well does it blend?

COUNTER-CURSE URGENTLY REQUIRED

2007-07-19T17:38:00.000+10:00

The spam I keep receiving just keeps getting weirder:

From: Noah Adkins

Subject: beecham chirp disseminate

abreast cashew chokeberry circumscription. bookkeep cauchy
barrier caleb decline correlate. creditor benign

archetypical cowhand cricket breakaway aiken digress
appraisal. custodial brennan clare diopter clomp beefsteak
calamitous.

I think she just cast a spell on me. Somebody help!

MAN NOT PIRATE

2007-07-04T16:47:00.000+10:00

"German was not a pirate of her affections," attorney Enrico Mirabelli said. "Her affections were already adrift."

AUSSIE MUSLIMS UNITE AGAINST EVIL

2007-06-25T21:34:00.000+10:00

From today's The Australian:

Australia's Sunni Muslims have pushed aside ideological differences with their Shia counterparts to form a united front against...

Terrorism? Female circumcision? Suicide bombing?

...Israel

Oh.

FEELING OPTIMISTIC?

2007-06-22T21:17:00.000+10:00

Sydney’s dam levels have reached the 50% mark, and are now half empty. Uh, I mean, they’re now half full. No wait...

...

Oh to hell with you!

I’m off to the pub to grab a beer and sort this out.

BIG QUESTIONS ANSWERED

2007-06-22T15:07:00.000+10:00

Question posed at Fark.com: Do Koalas have talons?

Answer by Somacandra: It's Australia, man. Everything has talons and can kill you. Even the 'creme brulee' has talons.

'Nuff said.

NOW THAT'S JUST CREEPY

2007-06-13T22:44:00.000+10:00

Julia Gillard briefly usurped Kevin Rudd as top dog of the Opposition yesterday...

"Not that Gillard even so much as raised her voice throughout the hour and a half she sat in the chair as acting leader of the Opposition while Rudd was away at the funeral of Tom Burns, a former Queensland ALP leader and deputy premier.

"Instead Gillard fixed the Prime Minister, who was the subject of each one of her questions, with a focused stare that must have been disconcerting if only because she did not appear to blink."

I'm not going to accuse the deputy Opposition Leader of being possessed by the Devil, but, well, just try to spot her pupils in that photo and I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

UPDATE!!!!

Take a closer look at that photo. You'll notice that's Shadow Treasurer Wayne Swan in the background, with his hand down his pants. The plot thickens by the minute.

YOU WANT UPDATES? YOU MAKE EM

2007-06-13T22:35:00.000+10:00

Haven't updated my blog lately, I can't be arsed.

You may send any complaints to the usual address.

HOLIDAY: TERROR ON THE HIGH SEAS

2007-04-20T13:55:00.000+10:00

Apologies for the lack of posts recently, I've been on holiday. And also lazy, incredibly lazy.

Here's a rundown of what happened, just in case you're interested (N.B. for theatrical reasons some aspects of this story may have been slightly exaggerated):

Day One: We're driving to Brisbane. Stopped over for the night in Armidale. It's a desolate, uninhabitable wasteland showing few signs of life.

Day Two: We've stopped in Brisbane. It's a desolate, uninhabitable wasteland showing few signs of life. This is compounded by the fact my relatives from New Zealand are here, and that I have to talk to them. Why don't they sod off?

Day Three: We went to Dreamworld today, although a more accurate name would be The World of Un-Ending Nightmares. The log ride was good though.

Day Four: We've hired a couple of houseboats, with my immediate family in one and my relatives in the other. I was hoping our boat would have a name that would strike fear into the hearts of men. Instead we got "Rainbow Goddess".

Day Five: I've gone over to join my relatives on the other houseboat. Suddenly I found myself surrounded by children. Just what is it about children that makes them gravitate towards me, and injure me?

Day Six: A freak tidal wave has swept our GPS and all our maps overboard. We're lost.

Day Seven: One of my relatives has come over to our houseboat. I consider resorting to cannibalism, even though we're not short of food. It is my hope his death will serve as a warning to the rest of my relatives not to come over.

Day Eight: We seem to be wandering in the general direction of civilisation, although I can't be sure of that. I weigh up the pros and cons of pushing my Dad overboard and taking command of the boat. Someone responsible will have to take charge, if we're all going to survive.

On that note, I considered pushing the rest of my family overboard as well. You know, just for laughs.

Day Nine: We've spotted land. Safety at last! We then raced towards land, plowed into the dock, abandoned our sinking vessel, dove into a taxi and jumped onto the first plane to anywhere. As we left Brisbane airport I cursed the very ground the city was built on and vowed never to return.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my next holiday. I'll keep you posted if any plans are made.

THE END IS NIGH

2007-03-25T19:50:00.000+10:00

Labor was returned to power at yesterday's State election, in spite of their deliberate attempts to wreck up the State's roads and public transport. We can now look forward to four more years of this:

The Pacific Highway

TOO MUCH CAFFEINE IS BARELY ENOUGH

2007-03-22T13:13:00.000+11:00

Headline: Starbucks to open 10,000 new stores in four years.

Thank Christ for that. Before now if I wanted a coffee I'd have to go all the way across the street, but soon I won't even have to leave the building!

WHERE'S ME PINT'S POPULARITY SOARS

2007-03-20T21:59:00.000+11:00

A second person I don't know left a comment on my blog the other day. That brings my total number of confirmed readers (who aren't friends of mine I've coerced into reading) up from zero to two.

Ceeelebrate good times, come on!

MAY THE RAGE BE WITH YOU

2007-03-20T16:23:00.000+11:00

Overheard from co-workers:

Co-worker one: Good luck with your Touch Footy game tonight.
Co-worker two: I don't need luck, I've got rage.

Which reminded me of another quote:

The key to the game of football, and life, is to
annihilate everything in a blind rage.

Wise words all round.

THE ONLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE IS TO PANIC

2007-03-14T22:30:00.000+11:00

From today's MX (not available online):

TODDLER RUNS CAR INTO MUM

A Melbourne woman is in hospital after her toddler son hopped into the driver's seat of her car, started the engine and then accidentally pinned her beween the car and a brick wall.
The woman was taken to Dandenong Hospital suffering from a possible broken hip and pevlic injuries.
Her 18-month-old son was not injured.
Investigations are under way.

The Police have yet to confirm that the child is the son of Lucifer, but that much should be pretty obvious by now.

300: A BALANCED LOOK

2007-03-13T22:38:00.000+11:00

A reviewer gives his mild opinion of the new movie 300:

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

On the other hand, these Iranians are against it. I'll leave it up to you to decide which review is more persuasive.

UPDATE!!!

The results are in! Records smashed, etc.

That's 300 Director Zac Snyder, having just murdered the directors of several lesser films immediately after 300 failed to secure an award at the 2007 Oscars. The film was released too late to be nominated.

THE PIECES ARE FALLING INTO PLACE

2007-02-28T22:33:00.000+11:00

Federal Opposition leader Kevin Rudd's Dad's name was Bert:

It's all starting to make sense now.

I HOPE THEY BOTH LOSE

2007-02-19T19:46:00.000+11:00

That's Morris Iemma, pictured on the cover of today's Daily Telegraph groping an innocent child. Is there nothing this madman won't do in his desperate last ditch attempt to cling onto power? I contend there is not.

In the interest of balanced coverage I've also included this photo of Debnam:

Although he doesn't appear to be doing anything particularly evil in this photo, it should be obvious to even the most blinded Liberal Party zealot that he's up to no good. Who knows what diabolical schemes he's plotting to unleash on an unsuspecting public?

And don't ask me who that bloke on the right is. He's probably Satan's ambassador to Earth, or someone equally sinister.

I don't know about you but I'm planning to vote for a third party. Perhaps the Shooter Party, or the Mad Hatter's Tea Party will do the trick. Better to vote for some random potential nutter in the hope they won't do as much damage as the current batch of proven nutters. God help us all.

Or perhaps the smartest thing to do would be to simply not vote at all, and instead heave half a brick at the nearest candidate.

The way I see it, the politicians owe me some light entertainment. Watching them scatter to the wind as they flee from a barrage of heavy objects I've hurled at them would fill me with joy.

"Force me into the voting booth, will you?? I'll have the last laugh yet, you bastards! Hahahahaaaaa!"

I'll see you all on Court TV.

DIDDIMS

2007-02-19T19:26:00.000+11:00

"Actor Ralph Fiennes considers himself to have been the victim of a sexual aggressor in an alleged mile-high sex scandal".

It's a tough gig, living the life of a male celebrity. Having to live with the crushing burden of being constantly hounded by women wanting sex must be particularly nightmarish. Even when trying to mind your own business on a plane, there's no escape.

I weep for them.

TREASON SEASON

2007-02-19T13:46:00.000+11:00

Not sure if you're a filthy traitor? Find out here!

If you scored higher than 13%, which is what I scored, then you are indeed a wretched traitor deserving of a good old fashioned stake-burning, and I demand you stop reading my blog right now.

If you scored lower then you're probably some kind of patriotic fruit-cake, and I don't care much for your kind either.

NIFTY

2007-02-17T11:19:00.000+11:00

This graph tracks income and life expectancy from 1975.

PRESIDENTS APPROVAL RATING SKYROCKETS

2007-02-01T09:15:00.000+11:00

US President George Bush, possibly inspired by my recent purchase of a Crush-a-majig, recently felt compelled to hop into a giant crushing machine of his own. Bush, drunk with power and filled with an insatiable blood-lust not satisfied by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, then demonstrated the killing skills he is famous for by attempting to plow the tractor into a bunch of journalists.

I myself am opposed to the crushing of journalists under a giant tractor until their eyes pop out and their heads explode like ripe tomatoes, immediately before their organs are ground into a fine paste. While it's true that journalists endlessly criticise the work of others while contributing nothing useful of their own to society*, I still feel killing them in this way is an excessive response. I do recognise however, that few people would agree with me.

*Some people might say it is extremely hypocritical of me to accuse journalists of being a burden on society when I myself am studying to become a lawyer. Those people are idiots.

GET ON WITH IT

2007-01-29T13:53:00.000+11:00

For centuries mankind has yearned to destroy the sun. Now the US plans to do the next best thing: block it out!

DEAD WRONG

2007-01-19T15:12:00.000+11:00

I always thought that a blood alchohol content of .35 would kill you.

Wrong!

THERE'S A POLITICAL DEBATE ON! CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

2007-01-07T13:20:00.000+11:00

Apparently a political debate between Premier Morris Iemma and Opposition leader Peter Debnam is brewing, a few months out from the next state election. Old-man Iemma wants to have the hour-long debate while sitting down, with the debate to be interrupted by a 15 minute nap, while youthful, exuberant Peter Debnam wants to have the debate while running a marathon.

My money's on Debnam to win the election, although obviously if he does so I will be reduced to wailing in horror and despair. The thought of either man getting his hands on the levers of government fills me with an acute sense of dread.

It's a lot like being in a doctor's surgery, waiting to be told whether the massive lump growing on your face is herpes or cancer. Whatever the outcome, you lose.

UPDATE!!

After doing some research, I found out that while Iemma is 45 years old, Peter Debnam is an ancient 51! My apologies if I gave the impression Iemma was older, I was counting his age in Dog years. I thought he was 315.

YEARNING FOR THE GOOD OL' DAYS

2007-01-05T15:56:00.000+11:00

I received some interesting spam the other day:

True, we sometimes create sites just for testing or as an administrative center.
Topped out in your Table Tennis? Even I have my limits!
Even I have my limits! Topped out in your Table Tennis?
Even I have my limits!
But instead of doing what was best for America, you did what was best for Republican Party power.
And this is potentially a very good thing for you.
There will be some significant differences.
Like always the mind of Allen has put a brilliant twist on the basic concept of affiliate marketing.
RSS AutoPublishing is basically an autoresponder that produces RSS feeds. In that respect, this is a good thing.
My immediate thought is, "How dare you talk to me about humility? But instead of doing what was best for America, you did what was best for Republican Party power.
I'm with him there, although I have another category of comments I will not post: The confusing.
My first stab at making sense of this conflict is that we were fast approaching the point at which the Republicans needed to be dislodged if we weren't there already.
I couldn't vote for Gore, but I didn't see Bush stopping the environmentalists, either. Or just looking to play better table tennis, but don't have any more spare time to train? I'm not yet convinced we've reached that point.

It goes on like that for another 4 pages. Completely insane.

I still remember the glory days of old, when spam was simple and offered products that I actually wanted, like Viagra, "enlargement" pumps and cheap porn.

But this guy, I don't think even he knows what he's trying to sell. He didn't even attempt to trick me into handing over my bank account details.

In his defence however, he did at least recognise that the Republicans, instead of doing what was best for America, did what was best for Republican party power. He has real insight. You can't fault him for that.

PET HATES

2007-01-04T21:31:00.000+11:00

Putting images up on my blog posts is a real pain in the arse, even more so than reading them.

THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME

2007-01-03T22:00:00.000+11:00

While spying on Miles I discovered this, a site where you can upload a picture of yourself and have it tell you which celebrities you most look like. It sounds foolish and it is foolish, but I've decided to investigate this tedious process anyway so that you, the public, can know that it is safe:

Completely wrong, much as I expected. Don't ask me why the program chose to zoom in on my front teeth. Perhaps it believed that was the most attractive part of my face, in spite of the fact they're chipped to buggery. The more observant among you will have also noticed the colours in my photo are inverted. I did this to prevent the nutters from learning my secret identity.

Since this particular program clearly isn't up to the job, I asked the magic mirror on my wall which celebrities I look like, with scary results:

William Dafoe: 94%

Steve Buscemi: 98%

Christopher Walken: 100%

Appalling.

A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

2006-12-18T10:54:00.000+11:00

A woman in Bristol, England, is responding to treatment for an extremely rare condition that makes her speak French and believe she is in France.

If, god forbid, I ever fall victim to this horrible condition, it will be up to you loyal readers to put me out of my misery immediately. Faced with living a tortured existence believing I was a Frenchmen, I (like most people) would prefer the sweet release of death.

POPULATION SHOULD BE REDUCED BY 1/3

2006-12-17T19:28:00.000+11:00

Survey one: one in three Americans believe Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11.

Survey two: one in three Germans believe the US Government was responsible for 9/11.

Survey three: one in three Britons believe Princess Diana's death was not an accident.

Survey four: A survey conducted by the Morris Institute of Big Numbers found that 33% of all people are bonkers, regardless of nationality.

LET'S KEEP THINGS DECENT

2006-12-15T23:12:00.000+11:00

A criminal case has been filed against Aishwarya Rai, the former Miss World, and Hrithik Roshan over their on-screen kiss in the recently released Bollywood film Dhoom 2.

Here's a shot of the offending kiss:

Monsters

Here are some other disturbing images from the movie Dhoom 2 (Warning! Not safe for children!):

Aaargh!

UPDATE!!

I may have possibly confused the movie Dhoom 2 with the video game franchise Doom. Apologies to Ashwarya Wai, and anyone else offended by the above photo of The Rock.

WATCH OUT! HE'S PACKIN' HEAT!

2006-12-15T22:38:00.000+11:00

Despite increased security at courthouses following shootings in Chicago and Atlanta about one year ago, many judges are bringing their own guns into their courtrooms for protection.
Earlier this month, a Florida judge was ordered to accept mentoring after warning a defense attorney that he was "locked and loaded." In May, a judicial ethics committee of the New York State Unified Court System found that it was ethical for a judge to carry a pistol into his courtroom.

As a state senator remarked: "Guns are like lawyers: better to have one and not need it than need one and not have it"

In order to cover all your bases, I suggest you get a lawyer who has a gun.

Morris SC, at your service:

That's me, preparing for my first court appearance