YOU ONLY LOVE ME FOR MY SCANTILY CLAD LADIES

It seems Blogger has upgraded since the last time I logged in.  It now contains nifty stats like the number of pageviews on any given blog:

Wheres Me Pint

Pageviews on my blog spiked dramatically around May 2010.  I wonder why...

HORSE SIZED DUCKS

If you've been following politics lately you might have come across this question:


"Would you rather be attacked by a hundred duck sized horses or one horse sized duck?"


I throw that question open for debate.

WORDS FOR YOU TO LIVE BY

News: a movie portraying Margaret Thatcher will be out soon. Fun fact about Maggie's late husband:


In public, he nearly always kept his opinions to himself, but he was believed to have been instrumental in at least three Cabinet sackings, insisting to his wife that she had to get rid of people who were not reliable.

"Loyalty, to me, is the one quality all men must have" he once said.



Consider that my new motto, once you take out the commas.

I WILL DESTROY THE LOT OF YOU

A lot of my friends have been starting up their own blogs lately. Like this and this and this and this and this and this and this one as well.

That's what I refer to as "muscling in on my territory". My attitude to all of this is summed up here.

A PRANKTACULAR APRIL FOOLS PRANKING

One of my sisters went pranking recently, with pranktacular results. The target: her twin sister's desk.


Before the improvements:

After being improved:

That's my sister, digitally edited into the photos. Or maybe she was actually there with Beiber, I don't know.

Epic.

Hat tip to Katrina Morris for creating this pranktastic shrine to the power of pranking, and to the unfortunate victim: Vanessa Morris.

ON THIS DAY

On this day in 1990: "President Bush and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to reduce stockpiles of long-range nuclear weapons". But not by firing them at each other. Boring!

This day in 1990 sucked! Here's hoping for a more fun-filled day tomorrow:

DESK CALENDAR WISDOM

From today's desk calendar: insults listed and called un-Parliamentary in Great Britain's Parliamentary Handbook:

Cad. Pecksniffian cant. Stool pigeon. Guttersnipe. Murderer. Swine. Cheeky young pup.

I fear I would not do well in Great Britain's Parliament. My entire repertoire of insults, wiped out in one cruel stroke.

Those Pecksniffian cants have done me over again!

IN OTHER NEWS

Opposition Immigration spokesman Scott Morrison, Labor MP Jason Clare, independent MP Robert Oakeshott and a group of young people are currently travelling on the Sandakan Mateship Trek in commemoration of the 1,000 Diggers who were force marched to their death in World War Two.

“The Mateship Trek is an opportunity to not only learn about and commemorate the sacrifice of our Diggers but also about appreciating the values that bind us as a nation,” Mr Morrison said.

The gruelling 260km march began on 8 April 2011 and the group is expected to return on Sunday 17 April 2011 in time for ANZAC services being held in Australia.

Predictably, Scott Morrison seized the opportunity to try and murder Oakeshott during the trek, however his efforts were thwarted by Clare:

Foiled again

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Another NSW State election will be held tomorrow. Leading contender Barry O'Farrell was spotted below:

At the Woodstock Kindergarten in the previously safe, Labor-held inner-western Sydney seat of Strathfield, Mr O'Farrell had to develop his upside-down reading skills as he rested The Very Hungry Caterpillar on his lap and read it aloud. The 20 eager preschoolers did an excellent impression of never having heard a word of it before.

Later, Mr O'Farrell was shown the ropes of an alphabet-learning computer game by four-year-old Shewta Adaikalavan. As he was leaving, one of Shewta's classmates (a little boy, of course) called out to Mr O'Farrell: "You're a silly bum-bum."

"What did you say?" the putative NSW premier said with mock outrage. The little boy was suddenly lost for words, but his mate kindly volunteered: "He said you were a silly bum-bum."

Never before have I seen such an incisive description of either candidate at any election. Sometimes it takes an innocent child to state what we’re all thinking but are too afraid to say out loud, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. Pages of analysis couldn’t sum up O’Farrell quite as accurately as this four-year-old.

I’m voting for that kid. For real change.

Silly bum-bum.

Doodie head.

SHOCKING UPDATE!!!!

A random Liberal hanger-on (forefront) was spotted here, pummelling his wife with both fists. O'Farrell sits with wife Rosemary watching on in amusement.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

See if you can guess the rest of this headline: Hugh Hefner's lady shows off her massive...



UPDATE!!!!

And in other celebrity news:

Troubled actor Matthew Newton has broken his silence for the first time since allegedly attacking former girlfriend Rachael Taylor, confirming he remains in treatment for "a long-term and undiagnosed ailment".

It's called "being a douche".

APOLOGIES

By all accounts, 2010 was a slow year for posting on Where's Me Pint.

Personally, I blame a lack of competition. Where's Me Pint's market domination is absolute and unchallenged. With no possibility of any other blogs moving in on my territory, there is no need to produce any further content. I can simply coast on my previous efforts and watch the money roll in.

A shot from the living room of my beach-side mansion, paid for with the profits from Where's Me Pint.



More splendour.

One of the many cars in my collection. This one came with Kim Kardashian.

Stop me if I'm making you jealous.

Living large at beach-side parties is all part of the Where's Me Pint lifestyle. That's me in the middle.

On the other hand, it's not always easy being insanely cashed up on cold hard blog monies, living in magnificent beach-side mansions while partying day and night with many scantily clad ladies. But someone has to do it.

UPDATE!!!!

My accountant informs me Where's Me Pint is operating at a loss, and has been from the beginning. Shit!

He has also informed me those are images of Tiger Wood's house, and that my recollection involving those other images may not be 100% accurate. Shit!


MEGA-UPDATE!!!!

The rest of 2010 was also shit-house. Naturally that was everyone else's fault.


SUPER-MEGA-UPDATE!!!!

Good news! I've fired my accountant.

LAZY FRIDAY AFTERNOONS AT WORK

After spending Friday morning busting my balls at Parramatta Local Court I arrived back at the office.

Around closing time my boss asked me to provide a hearing report to him so he could forward it on to the client that day. I gave him a hearing report all right.

Below is a true copy.


So & So Case Hearing Report
I went to that place where the Court stuff is heard and a few things happened.

The first thing that happened was the matter was set down for final hearing.

The other thing that happened was the other guy said he wanted to file another affidavit and we said yeah.

As I said before we should probably file their first affidavit or things might go bad.

The end.

OH OH, THINGS ARE GETTING POLITICAL AROUND HERE, IT MUST BE AN ELECTION YEAR

1) "We didn't properly, I think, estimate the complexity of what we were embarking on." - Kevin Rudd.

2) “We didn’t anticipate how hard it was going to be to deliver things.” - Kevin Rudd.

3) "It turns out promising to do things is easier than actually doing them! Whoops!" - Kevin Rudd.

See if you can pick which quote out of the three is fake. Choose correctly and you may win a prize!*


*Disclaimer: In the event you win a prize, it will be from a source unconnected with this blog and entirely co-incidental.

HOT SCOOP

Just between you and me, I know a guy who knows a guy, who saw Peter Garrett last night sneaking around with a can of gasoline, setting someone’s house on fire.

At the time he was heard yelling something along the lines of “HOW DO THEY SLEEP WHILE THEIR BEDS ARE BURNING, AAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

When questioned about the incident, Kevin Rudd defended Garrett’s actions, stating “I have absolute confidence in the minister” and that setting houses on fire “has been a very hard program to implement”.


UPDATE!!!!

More evidence of Garrett's night-time activities has come to light:

Peter Garrett, photographed in 1995 discussing the merits of burning down houses with the local constabulary.

JUDGES QUESTION VALIDITY OF ROAD STUDY

ATTORNEYS and judges may be sticklers to the word of the law but it seems they are not quite so adherent to the rules of the road, topping a list of the the top 10 most dangerous drivers by profession.

A study by online US insurance company insurance.com found 44 per cent of attorneys claimed a prior accident when looking for a car insurance comparison quote from insurance.com.

The Top 10 most dangerous drivers by profession are:
1. Attorney/Judge
2. Financial professionals
3. Government worker
4. Bartender or waiter
5. Business professionals
6. Dog groomer
7. Marketing/advertising professionals
8. Barber/stylist
9. Coach
10. Nurse

When questioned by reporters regarding the results of the study, Supreme Court Justice Christopher Brian Bridges made the following comment:

“I'm doin' a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit get the fuck outta my way!
I’m D.U.I. hardly ever caught sober, and you about to get ran the fuck over!”

Bridges J was earlier spotted engaging in an impromptu debate on road safety, as seen in the below footage:

GOOGLE'S QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever"
- Anonymous

...apparently it didn't work for that guy.

SEX AND THE CITY 2: A FUTURISTIC WAR MOVIE

Sex and the City 2's first poster has been revealed:





As you can see, Sarah Jessica Parker has been replaced by a soulless golden-metallic skinned cyborg.

Although producers are remaining tight-lipped on the details of the plot, the poster does show "Carrie" calmly walking away from some kind of blinding explosion or flash grenade.

"Shortly after completing the first film we realised it didn't have enough kick-ass explosions or awesome fight scenes to really, you know, make the movie worth watching. In Sex and the City 2 we corrected that mistake" - Director Michael Patrick King.

King dismissed suggestions that changes to the franchise might alienate it's mostly female fans.

"For the female fans I say: don't worry, there will still be plenty of hugging. But this time around the numerous long-winded discussions about the sex lives of 40-something year old women will be tempered by scenes containing giant chainsaw wielding mutants hacking each other to death in brutal, king-of-the-hill style battles. Really the movie has something for everyone".

Sex and the City 2 is slated for release in mid-2010.

MEETING THE PARENTS

Heading up to Canberra to meet the ol' girlfriend's Dad this weekend.

I was looking forward to it...until she emailed me saying that "he's a bit like Chuck Norris". My response:

!!!!

Like Chuck Norris? Like Chuck Norris?! That’s ten times worse than anything I could have possibly imagined in my worst nightmares.

*chokes*

I see it all now.

He’ll greet me at the front door, towering over me, barrel chested and wearing an unbuttoned flannelette shirt. He’ll put down the axe he just used to cut down several giant trees before reaching out and giving me a handshake that instantly crushes my hand. A shotgun blast to the face will seem merciful by comparison.

Before I’ve had time to recover he’ll give me a tour of the house, his booming voice shattering my ear drums as he shows me trophies of giant animals he’s killed with his bare hands.

He’ll invite us to lunch, serving us both bowls of burning hot coals smothered in Tabasco sauce, with Guatemalan insanity peppers ground in for extra flavour. If I show even a hint of discomfort at the meal he’s prepared, he’ll instantly kill me with a sharp stare for daring to show such weakness in his presence.

I’ll ask to use the bathroom. He’ll tell me the nearest outhouse can only be reached via an 11 kilometer trek through snow and rocky terrain, and that real men make the journey bare foot, and often, because real men have high fibre diets.

And the whole time I’ll be trapped. Trapped in Canberra with no possibility of a quick escape.

Oh, I’ve seen it all.

*Sobs quietly*



UPDATE!!!!

My girlfriend responds: "I think he'll like you."

Well, that makes me feel much better then.

A FUN DAY OUT WITH OBAMA

In today's news:

President Obama staged an Olympic rally at the White House on Wednesday, saying the United States was cheering for his hometown of Chicago in it's efforts to host the 2016 Summer Games.

He was joined by first lady Michelle Obama, Olympic and Paralympic athletes, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley and middle school children.

Sith Lord Darth Obama, seen here intimidating the Olympic Rally with his lightsaber skills.

However, the mood soured later in the day when Obama discovered that champion fencer Tim Morehouse, who was in attendance at the Olympic Rally, had previously only won a silver medal at the 2008 Olympics.

An enraged Obama threatens to execute the fencer for failing to win gold. Morehouse begs for mercy.

Obama loses patience and lunges forward, striking a killing blow.

Obama, his bloodlust apparently unsated, then turned on his wife:

"No one will stand in my way" Obama was heard muttering.

Obama then took some time out from his killing rampage to watch some light entertainment:

"HAHAHAHA, yes yes, fight to the death!" - Obama, watching two minions battle

Obama watches on in amusement as the killing blow is dealt.

Later, one of the fencers challenged him to a mock fight:

"Obama doesn't need a weapon!" he said, before swinging a deadly right hook at his opponent. The fencer did not survive.

Obama, seen here using the force to choke a young gymnast for his own gratification.

Obama later finished proceedings by delivering an inspirational speech to the gathered members of United States Olympic Committee:

"All will fear me but follow me!" he yelled shaking his fist, to rousing applause from the crowd.

Obama soon left the area, exclaiming: "So long, suckers!" before flapping his arms furiously:

His approval ratings have never been higher.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Quote: "We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site" - two Bangladeshi newspapers, who reprinted one of the Onion's satirical articles as fact.