GET ON WITH IT

For centuries mankind has yearned to destroy the sun. Now the US plans to do the next best thing: block it out!

DEAD WRONG

I always thought that a blood alchohol content of .35 would kill you.

Wrong!

THERE'S A POLITICAL DEBATE ON! CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

Apparently a political debate between Premier Morris Iemma and Opposition leader Peter Debnam is brewing, a few months out from the next state election. Old-man Iemma wants to have the hour-long debate while sitting down, with the debate to be interrupted by a 15 minute nap, while youthful, exuberant Peter Debnam wants to have the debate while running a marathon.

My money's on Debnam to win the election, although obviously if he does so I will be reduced to wailing in horror and despair. The thought of either man getting his hands on the levers of government fills me with an acute sense of dread.

It's a lot like being in a doctor's surgery, waiting to be told whether the massive lump growing on your face is herpes or cancer. Whatever the outcome, you lose.


UPDATE!!

After doing some research, I found out that while Iemma is 45 years old, Peter Debnam is an ancient 51! My apologies if I gave the impression Iemma was older, I was counting his age in Dog years. I thought he was 315.

YEARNING FOR THE GOOD OL' DAYS

I received some interesting spam the other day:

True, we sometimes create sites just for testing or as an administrative center.
Topped out in your Table Tennis? Even I have my limits!
Even I have my limits! Topped out in your Table Tennis?
Even I have my limits!
But instead of doing what was best for America, you did what was best for Republican Party power.
And this is potentially a very good thing for you.
There will be some significant differences.
Like always the mind of Allen has put a brilliant twist on the basic concept of affiliate marketing.
RSS AutoPublishing is basically an autoresponder that produces RSS feeds. In that respect, this is a good thing.
My immediate thought is, "How dare you talk to me about humility? But instead of doing what was best for America, you did what was best for Republican Party power.
I'm with him there, although I have another category of comments I will not post: The confusing.
My first stab at making sense of this conflict is that we were fast approaching the point at which the Republicans needed to be dislodged if we weren't there already.
I couldn't vote for Gore, but I didn't see Bush stopping the environmentalists, either. Or just looking to play better table tennis, but don't have any more spare time to train? I'm not yet convinced we've reached that point.

It goes on like that for another 4 pages. Completely insane.

I still remember the glory days of old, when spam was simple and offered products that I actually wanted, like Viagra, "enlargement" pumps and cheap porn.

But this guy, I don't think even he knows what he's trying to sell. He didn't even attempt to trick me into handing over my bank account details.

In his defence however, he did at least recognise that the Republicans, instead of doing what was best for America, did what was best for Republican party power. He has real insight. You can't fault him for that.

PET HATES

Putting images up on my blog posts is a real pain in the arse, even more so than reading them.

THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME

While spying on Miles I discovered this, a site where you can upload a picture of yourself and have it tell you which celebrities you most look like. It sounds foolish and it is foolish, but I've decided to investigate this tedious process anyway so that you, the public, can know that it is safe:



Completely wrong, much as I expected. Don't ask me why the program chose to zoom in on my front teeth. Perhaps it believed that was the most attractive part of my face, in spite of the fact they're chipped to buggery. The more observant among you will have also noticed the colours in my photo are inverted. I did this to prevent the nutters from learning my secret identity.

Since this particular program clearly isn't up to the job, I asked the magic mirror on my wall which celebrities I look like, with scary results:











William Dafoe: 94%













Steve Buscemi: 98%

Christopher Walken: 100%

Appalling.

A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

A woman in Bristol, England, is responding to treatment for an extremely rare condition that makes her speak French and believe she is in France.

If, god forbid, I ever fall victim to this horrible condition, it will be up to you loyal readers to put me out of my misery immediately. Faced with living a tortured existence believing I was a Frenchmen, I (like most people) would prefer the sweet release of death.

POPULATION SHOULD BE REDUCED BY 1/3

Survey one: one in three Americans believe Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11.

Survey two: one in three Germans believe the US Government was responsible for 9/11.

Survey three: one in three Britons believe Princess Diana's death was not an accident.

Survey four: A survey conducted by the Morris Institute of Big Numbers found that 33% of all people are bonkers, regardless of nationality.

LET'S KEEP THINGS DECENT

A criminal case has been filed against Aishwarya Rai, the former Miss World, and Hrithik Roshan over their on-screen kiss in the recently released Bollywood film Dhoom 2.

Here's a shot of the offending kiss:

Monsters

Here are some other disturbing images from the movie Dhoom 2 (Warning! Not safe for children!):

Aaargh!


UPDATE!!

I may have possibly confused the movie Dhoom 2 with the video game franchise Doom. Apologies to Ashwarya Wai, and anyone else offended by the above photo of The Rock.

WATCH OUT! HE'S PACKIN' HEAT!

Despite increased security at courthouses following shootings in Chicago and Atlanta about one year ago, many judges are bringing their own guns into their courtrooms for protection.

Earlier this month, a Florida judge was ordered to accept mentoring after warning a defense attorney that he was "locked and loaded." In May, a judicial ethics committee of the New York State Unified Court System found that it was ethical for a judge to carry a pistol into his courtroom.

As a state senator remarked: "Guns are like lawyers: better to have one and not need it than need one and not have it"

In order to cover all your bases, I suggest you get a lawyer who has a gun.

Morris SC, at your service:

That's me, preparing for my first court appearance

BUT THAT'S ALL I DO!

Malaysia may introduce tough Internet laws to control bloggers and prevent them from spreading "disharmony, chaos, seditious material and lies" on their websites, a report has said.

Thank Christ I'm not blogging in Malaysia. I'd be hanging from the gallows in no time.

THE EINFELD DEFENSE: IT'S A JOKE

Retired Judge and larrikan Marcus Einfeld has been in the news a bit lately, having caused a broohaha by attempting to pin the blame for a series of traffic offences on other people. Instead of copping it on the chin like a good Christian, Einfeld has attempted to slip the hang-man's noose by blaming a bunch of foreign visitors for driving his car.

Unfortunately for him, it was later revealed his scapegoats were dead at the time. This has been dubbed: the “Einfeld defence”.

The media have kicked up a lot of stink over his attempts to avoid justice, however they and most other people seem to have overlooked Judge Einfeld’s real crime: he’s lending his car to dead people.

Instead of banishing these plague-ridden zombies back to the festering graves from which they crawled, he's inviting them to borrow his car and go for a cruise. Einfeld apparently sees nothing wrong with this, nevermind whatever diabolical purposes these god-forsaken hellspawn might be using his car for. And to make matters worse, the zombies are breaking traffic laws left, right and center.

The "Einfeld defence" indeed. This isn’t so much a “defence”, as it is a raising of the white flag, a lowering of the drawbridge, in order to allow the shuffling, undead masses to walk in unimpeded and enslave all of humanity.

If we can’t rely on a Judge, of all people, to fight the forces of evil at humanities hour of need, who can we rely on?

Who will set an example for the children?




















Milla Jovovich, pictured here kicking some zombies and showing that nancy-boy Einfeld how it’s done.












Milla Jovovich, seen here setting an example for the children.

ONE OF LIFE'S HARD CHOICES

I'm in the market for a car at the moment. I don't want anything too fancy, just something to get me from A to B. I've narrowed it down to a choice between:















2002 Mitsubishi Lancer

And

Crush-a-majig

The Lancer has a 1.8 litre 4 cylinder engine, ABS brakes, tinted windows, power steering and alloy wheels.

On the other hand, the Crush-a-majig has crushing power. It's a tough call.



UPDATE!!

A Challenger arises:
















The Gouge-a-nator

The Gouge-a-nator, although smaller than my other two options, is lighter, faster and more maneuverable than the crush-a-majig, and it would also give me the immense satisfaction of being able to see the looks on my enemies faces before I mow them down.

The Lancer, however, has better mileage and more passenger seats.

There’s a lot to think about here. I should consult my ouija board before making a decision.

GOTTA CATCH EM ALL

From an article in yesterday's Sun-Herald (not available online):

It is hoped a device being developed to detect bombs and catch terrorists will be produced in Tasmania.

I have since gone to the trouble of developing my own device for catching terrorists:

Throwing Net

That one's on the house, Tasmania.

CHEESE IT!

Ultra-Radical Muslims in Melbourne and Sydney are breaking away from their fundamentalist wahhabist leaders, presumably because they aren't radical enough.

Quite frankly, I'm fleeing to Queensland. No extremists there.

Except maybe for this guy:

"September 11 is Allah's work against oppressors" - Premier Peter Beattie, seen here preaching to his followers at an ALP conference.