THE PIECES ARE FALLING INTO PLACE

Federal Opposition leader Kevin Rudd's Dad's name was Bert:

It's all starting to make sense now.

I HOPE THEY BOTH LOSE

That's Morris Iemma, pictured on the cover of today's Daily Telegraph groping an innocent child. Is there nothing this madman won't do in his desperate last ditch attempt to cling onto power? I contend there is not.

In the interest of balanced coverage I've also included this photo of Debnam:

Although he doesn't appear to be doing anything particularly evil in this photo, it should be obvious to even the most blinded Liberal Party zealot that he's up to no good. Who knows what diabolical schemes he's plotting to unleash on an unsuspecting public?And don't ask me who that bloke on the right is. He's probably Satan's ambassador to Earth, or someone equally sinister.

I don't know about you but I'm planning to vote for a third party. Perhaps the Shooter Party, or the Mad Hatter's Tea Party will do the trick. Better to vote for some random potential nutter in the hope they won't do as much damage as the current batch of proven nutters. God help us all.

Or perhaps the smartest thing to do would be to simply not vote at all, and instead heave half a brick at the nearest candidate.The way I see it, the politicians owe me some light entertainment. Watching them scatter to the wind as they flee from a barrage of heavy objects I've hurled at them would fill me with joy.

"Force me into the voting booth, will you?? I'll have the last laugh yet, you bastards! Hahahahaaaaa!"

I'll see you all on Court TV.

DIDDIMS

"Actor Ralph Fiennes considers himself to have been the victim of a sexual aggressor in an alleged mile-high sex scandal".

It's a tough gig, living the life of a male celebrity. Having to live with the crushing burden of being constantly hounded by women wanting sex must be particularly nightmarish. Even when trying to mind your own business on a plane, there's no escape.

I weep for them.

TREASON SEASON

Not sure if you're a filthy traitor? Find out here!

If you scored higher than 13%, which is what I scored, then you are indeed a wretched traitor deserving of a good old fashioned stake-burning, and I demand you stop reading my blog right now.

If you scored lower then you're probably some kind of patriotic fruit-cake, and I don't care much for your kind either.

NIFTY

This graph tracks income and life expectancy from 1975.

PRESIDENTS APPROVAL RATING SKYROCKETS

US President George Bush, possibly inspired by my recent purchase of a Crush-a-majig, recently felt compelled to hop into a giant crushing machine of his own. Bush, drunk with power and filled with an insatiable blood-lust not satisfied by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, then demonstrated the killing skills he is famous for by attempting to plow the tractor into a bunch of journalists.

I myself am opposed to the crushing of journalists under a giant tractor until their eyes pop out and their heads explode like ripe tomatoes, immediately before their organs are ground into a fine paste. While it's true that journalists endlessly criticise the work of others while contributing nothing useful of their own to society*, I still feel killing them in this way is an excessive response. I do recognise however, that few people would agree with me.


*Some people might say it is extremely hypocritical of me to accuse journalists of being a burden on society when I myself am studying to become a lawyer. Those people are idiots.

GET ON WITH IT

For centuries mankind has yearned to destroy the sun. Now the US plans to do the next best thing: block it out!

DEAD WRONG

I always thought that a blood alchohol content of .35 would kill you.

Wrong!

THERE'S A POLITICAL DEBATE ON! CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

Apparently a political debate between Premier Morris Iemma and Opposition leader Peter Debnam is brewing, a few months out from the next state election. Old-man Iemma wants to have the hour-long debate while sitting down, with the debate to be interrupted by a 15 minute nap, while youthful, exuberant Peter Debnam wants to have the debate while running a marathon.

My money's on Debnam to win the election, although obviously if he does so I will be reduced to wailing in horror and despair. The thought of either man getting his hands on the levers of government fills me with an acute sense of dread.

It's a lot like being in a doctor's surgery, waiting to be told whether the massive lump growing on your face is herpes or cancer. Whatever the outcome, you lose.


UPDATE!!

After doing some research, I found out that while Iemma is 45 years old, Peter Debnam is an ancient 51! My apologies if I gave the impression Iemma was older, I was counting his age in Dog years. I thought he was 315.

YEARNING FOR THE GOOD OL' DAYS

I received some interesting spam the other day:

True, we sometimes create sites just for testing or as an administrative center.
Topped out in your Table Tennis? Even I have my limits!
Even I have my limits! Topped out in your Table Tennis?
Even I have my limits!
But instead of doing what was best for America, you did what was best for Republican Party power.
And this is potentially a very good thing for you.
There will be some significant differences.
Like always the mind of Allen has put a brilliant twist on the basic concept of affiliate marketing.
RSS AutoPublishing is basically an autoresponder that produces RSS feeds. In that respect, this is a good thing.
My immediate thought is, "How dare you talk to me about humility? But instead of doing what was best for America, you did what was best for Republican Party power.
I'm with him there, although I have another category of comments I will not post: The confusing.
My first stab at making sense of this conflict is that we were fast approaching the point at which the Republicans needed to be dislodged if we weren't there already.
I couldn't vote for Gore, but I didn't see Bush stopping the environmentalists, either. Or just looking to play better table tennis, but don't have any more spare time to train? I'm not yet convinced we've reached that point.

It goes on like that for another 4 pages. Completely insane.

I still remember the glory days of old, when spam was simple and offered products that I actually wanted, like Viagra, "enlargement" pumps and cheap porn.

But this guy, I don't think even he knows what he's trying to sell. He didn't even attempt to trick me into handing over my bank account details.

In his defence however, he did at least recognise that the Republicans, instead of doing what was best for America, did what was best for Republican party power. He has real insight. You can't fault him for that.

PET HATES

Putting images up on my blog posts is a real pain in the arse, even more so than reading them.

THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME

While spying on Miles I discovered this, a site where you can upload a picture of yourself and have it tell you which celebrities you most look like. It sounds foolish and it is foolish, but I've decided to investigate this tedious process anyway so that you, the public, can know that it is safe:



Completely wrong, much as I expected. Don't ask me why the program chose to zoom in on my front teeth. Perhaps it believed that was the most attractive part of my face, in spite of the fact they're chipped to buggery. The more observant among you will have also noticed the colours in my photo are inverted. I did this to prevent the nutters from learning my secret identity.

Since this particular program clearly isn't up to the job, I asked the magic mirror on my wall which celebrities I look like, with scary results:











William Dafoe: 94%













Steve Buscemi: 98%

Christopher Walken: 100%

Appalling.

A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

A woman in Bristol, England, is responding to treatment for an extremely rare condition that makes her speak French and believe she is in France.

If, god forbid, I ever fall victim to this horrible condition, it will be up to you loyal readers to put me out of my misery immediately. Faced with living a tortured existence believing I was a Frenchmen, I (like most people) would prefer the sweet release of death.

POPULATION SHOULD BE REDUCED BY 1/3

Survey one: one in three Americans believe Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11.

Survey two: one in three Germans believe the US Government was responsible for 9/11.

Survey three: one in three Britons believe Princess Diana's death was not an accident.

Survey four: A survey conducted by the Morris Institute of Big Numbers found that 33% of all people are bonkers, regardless of nationality.

LET'S KEEP THINGS DECENT

A criminal case has been filed against Aishwarya Rai, the former Miss World, and Hrithik Roshan over their on-screen kiss in the recently released Bollywood film Dhoom 2.

Here's a shot of the offending kiss:

Monsters

Here are some other disturbing images from the movie Dhoom 2 (Warning! Not safe for children!):

Aaargh!


UPDATE!!

I may have possibly confused the movie Dhoom 2 with the video game franchise Doom. Apologies to Ashwarya Wai, and anyone else offended by the above photo of The Rock.