HOLIDAY: TERROR ON THE HIGH SEAS

Apologies for the lack of posts recently, I've been on holiday. And also lazy, incredibly lazy.

Here's a rundown of what happened, just in case you're interested (N.B. for theatrical reasons some aspects of this story may have been slightly exaggerated):

Day One: We're driving to Brisbane. Stopped over for the night in Armidale. It's a desolate, uninhabitable wasteland showing few signs of life.

Day Two: We've stopped in Brisbane. It's a desolate, uninhabitable wasteland showing few signs of life. This is compounded by the fact my relatives from New Zealand are here, and that I have to talk to them. Why don't they sod off?

Day Three: We went to Dreamworld today, although a more accurate name would be The World of Un-Ending Nightmares. The log ride was good though.

Day Four: We've hired a couple of houseboats, with my immediate family in one and my relatives in the other. I was hoping our boat would have a name that would strike fear into the hearts of men. Instead we got "Rainbow Goddess".

Day Five: I've gone over to join my relatives on the other houseboat. Suddenly I found myself surrounded by children. Just what is it about children that makes them gravitate towards me, and injure me?

Day Six: A freak tidal wave has swept our GPS and all our maps overboard. We're lost.

Day Seven: One of my relatives has come over to our houseboat. I consider resorting to cannibalism, even though we're not short of food. It is my hope his death will serve as a warning to the rest of my relatives not to come over.

Day Eight: We seem to be wandering in the general direction of civilisation, although I can't be sure of that. I weigh up the pros and cons of pushing my Dad overboard and taking command of the boat. Someone responsible will have to take charge, if we're all going to survive.

On that note, I considered pushing the rest of my family overboard as well. You know, just for laughs.

Day Nine: We've spotted land. Safety at last! We then raced towards land, plowed into the dock, abandoned our sinking vessel, dove into a taxi and jumped onto the first plane to anywhere. As we left Brisbane airport I cursed the very ground the city was built on and vowed never to return.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my next holiday. I'll keep you posted if any plans are made.

THE END IS NIGH

Labor was returned to power at yesterday's State election, in spite of their deliberate attempts to wreck up the State's roads and public transport. We can now look forward to four more years of this:

The Pacific Highway

TOO MUCH CAFFEINE IS BARELY ENOUGH

Headline: Starbucks to open 10,000 new stores in four years.

Thank Christ for that. Before now if I wanted a coffee I'd have to go all the way across the street, but soon I won't even have to leave the building!

WHERE'S ME PINT'S POPULARITY SOARS

A second person I don't know left a comment on my blog the other day. That brings my total number of confirmed readers (who aren't friends of mine I've coerced into reading) up from zero to two.

Ceeelebrate good times, come on!

MAY THE RAGE BE WITH YOU

Overheard from co-workers:

Co-worker one: Good luck with your Touch Footy game tonight.
Co-worker two: I don't need luck, I've got rage.

Which reminded me of another quote:

The key to the game of football, and life, is to
annihilate everything in a blind rage.

Wise words all round.

THE ONLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE IS TO PANIC

From today's MX (not available online):

TODDLER RUNS CAR INTO MUM

A Melbourne woman is in hospital after her toddler son hopped into the driver's seat of her car, started the engine and then accidentally pinned her beween the car and a brick wall.
The woman was taken to Dandenong Hospital suffering from a possible broken hip and pevlic injuries.
Her 18-month-old son was not injured.
Investigations are under way.

The Police have yet to confirm that the child is the son of Lucifer, but that much should be pretty obvious by now.

300: A BALANCED LOOK

A reviewer gives his mild opinion of the new movie 300:

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

On the other hand, these Iranians are against it. I'll leave it up to you to decide which review is more persuasive.

UPDATE!!!

The results are in! Records smashed, etc.

That's 300 Director Zac Snyder, having just murdered the directors of several lesser films immediately after 300 failed to secure an award at the 2007 Oscars. The film was released too late to be nominated.

THE PIECES ARE FALLING INTO PLACE

Federal Opposition leader Kevin Rudd's Dad's name was Bert:

It's all starting to make sense now.

I HOPE THEY BOTH LOSE

That's Morris Iemma, pictured on the cover of today's Daily Telegraph groping an innocent child. Is there nothing this madman won't do in his desperate last ditch attempt to cling onto power? I contend there is not.

In the interest of balanced coverage I've also included this photo of Debnam:

Although he doesn't appear to be doing anything particularly evil in this photo, it should be obvious to even the most blinded Liberal Party zealot that he's up to no good. Who knows what diabolical schemes he's plotting to unleash on an unsuspecting public?And don't ask me who that bloke on the right is. He's probably Satan's ambassador to Earth, or someone equally sinister.

I don't know about you but I'm planning to vote for a third party. Perhaps the Shooter Party, or the Mad Hatter's Tea Party will do the trick. Better to vote for some random potential nutter in the hope they won't do as much damage as the current batch of proven nutters. God help us all.

Or perhaps the smartest thing to do would be to simply not vote at all, and instead heave half a brick at the nearest candidate.The way I see it, the politicians owe me some light entertainment. Watching them scatter to the wind as they flee from a barrage of heavy objects I've hurled at them would fill me with joy.

"Force me into the voting booth, will you?? I'll have the last laugh yet, you bastards! Hahahahaaaaa!"

I'll see you all on Court TV.

DIDDIMS

"Actor Ralph Fiennes considers himself to have been the victim of a sexual aggressor in an alleged mile-high sex scandal".

It's a tough gig, living the life of a male celebrity. Having to live with the crushing burden of being constantly hounded by women wanting sex must be particularly nightmarish. Even when trying to mind your own business on a plane, there's no escape.

I weep for them.

TREASON SEASON

Not sure if you're a filthy traitor? Find out here!

If you scored higher than 13%, which is what I scored, then you are indeed a wretched traitor deserving of a good old fashioned stake-burning, and I demand you stop reading my blog right now.

If you scored lower then you're probably some kind of patriotic fruit-cake, and I don't care much for your kind either.

NIFTY

This graph tracks income and life expectancy from 1975.

PRESIDENTS APPROVAL RATING SKYROCKETS

US President George Bush, possibly inspired by my recent purchase of a Crush-a-majig, recently felt compelled to hop into a giant crushing machine of his own. Bush, drunk with power and filled with an insatiable blood-lust not satisfied by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, then demonstrated the killing skills he is famous for by attempting to plow the tractor into a bunch of journalists.

I myself am opposed to the crushing of journalists under a giant tractor until their eyes pop out and their heads explode like ripe tomatoes, immediately before their organs are ground into a fine paste. While it's true that journalists endlessly criticise the work of others while contributing nothing useful of their own to society*, I still feel killing them in this way is an excessive response. I do recognise however, that few people would agree with me.


*Some people might say it is extremely hypocritical of me to accuse journalists of being a burden on society when I myself am studying to become a lawyer. Those people are idiots.

GET ON WITH IT

For centuries mankind has yearned to destroy the sun. Now the US plans to do the next best thing: block it out!

DEAD WRONG

I always thought that a blood alchohol content of .35 would kill you.

Wrong!