THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

This image stolen from Trollcats.

AT MY FRIEND'S REQUEST, HERE'S A REVIEW OF HIS NEW BLOG

It sucks.

"SQUEEZED LIKE A LEMON"

Every now and then you came across something that makes you think: What the hell?


UPDATE!!!

In unrelated news, I have decided to move to Russia to take up a career in beauty salon robbing. I'll send you a postcard, tell you how it works out.

AND THE OSCAR FOR BEST PILE OF CRAP GOES TO...

Holy crap! This website allows talent-free miscreants like myself to make short movies using little computerised block people...for free!

Check out my first effort:





Watch out, Hollywood! Your domination of the movie industry is about to come to an end.

Probably...

NO FURTHER COMMENT NECESSARY

Oooooooooow!


UPDATE!!!

And another thing:

Oooooooooow!

ATTENTION PLEASE!

Here are some scantily clad women:

Because this blog, and indeed every blog, and indeed every other site on the internet, and indeed everything else period, needs more scantily clad women.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Besides, I felt like drumming up some hits. People certainly don't come here for my other content, I can tell you that much!

SECOND! AND PROBABLY LAST!

The British Royal Air Force, apparently having nothing better to do, have decided to use the UFOs now plaguing their skies for target practice.

I for one fully support the RAF's decision. The sooner the Brits antagonise these alien visitors into wiping out humanity, the sooner the irritating debate over the existence of UFOs will come to an end.

Win, win.

FIRST!

Here it is! Where's Me Pint's first post for 2009! Hazaa! Just in case you're living in a cave and your satellite Internet connection will allow you to connect to this blog and nothing else, here's how things have gone down in 2009 so far:

A black man has seized control of the White House, finally signalling the end of the American civil war. Who would have thought whitey would lose?

In unrelated news, everything else has gone to shit.

I'll get back to you at the end of 2009 to give you an update on whether humanity has survived, but I'm going to be honest with you Jim, from where I'm sitting things aren't looking good.

The barbarians are at the gates. I pray the Lord forgives us our sins.



UPDATE!!!

I have just at this moment realised this post doesn't make a lot of sense. To my critics who say my posts should make more sense, I say this, and simply this:

Purple Monkey Dishwasher!

And more importantly: Fuck off! I've already made my views known on you critics and your criticising criticisms. Your Head-a-splode!!

This is 2009, the year of the Lunatic on the Chinese Calendar, and being a lunatic, it seems my time has finally come.

It's good to be King.



MEGA UPDATE!!!

It has been pointed out to me that it is, in fact, the year of the Ox on the Chinese Calendar, not the year of the Lunatic as I may have previously suggested. But seeing as I was born in the year of the Ox, it is still my year, so rock on, bitches!

WELL THAT SUCKS...

A young woman has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss.

The twentysomething woman was taken to hospital in the Chinese city of Zhuhai, in southern Guangdong province, completely deaf in her left ear after the smooch.

'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.

The doctor said the woman's hearing would return to normal within two or three months.

'While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution,' the newspaper added.

Fuck it! Isn't life hard enough without having to worry about a kiss making your head explode?

LOL-SURGERY

A British surgeon volunteering in the Democratic Republic of Congo used text message instructions to perform a life-saving arm amputation, he said on Wednesday.

David Nott knew that the 16-year-old boy needed a forequarter amputation removing his left shoulder blade after his arm was bitten off by a hippopotamus while fishing.

But the general and vascular surgeon had never carried out such an operation before and knew it was a huge risk.

So he text messaged a London colleague who texted him back telling him how to do it.

In a stunning exclusive, this blog has obtained a transcript of the text messages exchanged between the two doctors:


Text message sent by Volunteer Surgeon David Nott ("DT"):
omfg, need amputation instructions stat!!

Text message sent in reply by Professor Meirion Thomas ("MT"):
roflcopter, y u want dat??

DT: hungry hungry hippo 8 some kids arm

MT: u r have to be shitting me!!!

DT: 4 real! its bleedin all over n shit. wat shud i do??

MT: chill out, heres wat u do. 1st, chop the damn thing off lololol!!!

DT: omgwtfbbq, cant find my hacksaw

MT: OMG, Shut up!

DT: Chillaxe! im choppin now

MT: next, ligate the brachial artery to prevent further hemorrhaging before transecting the arm muscles.

DT: wat?

MT: den wrap dat shit up tighter than ur mums ****

DT: Dude, get out!

MT: u done yet im bored.

DT: im done kids fine. im goin 2 pub 2 get wasted

MT: u da man! lollerskates! buy dat kid a drink 2 lol


Medicine at it's finest.

LET'S FACE IT, THEY'RE JUST NOT VERY USEFUL

Headline: UN urged to send more troops to Congo


Hey I have a question. If you increase the size of a useless force, does it become more useless?

Or does it simply maintain the same level of uselessness, but over a larger area?

I throw it open for debate.

EVIL-DOER PUNISHED

AN ISLAMIST rebel administration in Somalia ordered that a girl, 13, be stoned to death for adultery after the child’s father reported that she was raped by three men. Amnesty International said the al-Shabab militia, which controls the city of Kismayo, arranged for 50 men to stone Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow in front of about 1000 spectators.

That sounds firm but fair.

IT BEGINS

"A 45-year old Danish municipal worker was tragically killed by an industrial robotic lawnmower this afternoon, after the unit tumbled off a slope and onto the poor fellow doing his job."

The name of the robot that murdered him was "Dvorak Spider 01 Unit".

I for one welcome our new robot overlords. All hail master Dvorak!

IN DEFENCE OF BITTERNESS

Desk calendar quote of the day:

"You can't be fuelled by bitterness. It can eat you up, but it cannot drive you" - Benazir Bhutto, assassinated Pakistani politician.

Yeah well, if she had it all figured out, how come she's dead?

If she had been filled with bitterness like the rest of us*, she would have played it smart and kept her head down. Instead she decided to let a smile be her umbrella, like all those deluded upbeat types. Turns out that isn't enough to protect you from a hail of bullets.

At any rate, I'm afraid I will have to disagree. Bitterness can drive you, to acts of spite, which in turn bring untold satisfaction. For example, it's bitterness that drives a man to hit the 'close door' button on an elevator and then watch the doors slam shut in the face of some shmoe who was running towards the elevator but didn't quite make it. Deeeelicious >: )


*If you're one of those rare, insufferable individuals who aren't filled with bitterness, get lost! You're not welcome here, or in any of the other places my associates and I congregate.

LAME JOKE ALERT

A Saudi Arabian Cleric has stated Mickey Mouse is "one of Satan's soldiers" and must be killed.

"Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases." - Sheikh Muhammad Munajid.

Surely he's taking the Mickey.

*Audience/readers: Booooooooo! Hissssss! Get off the stage, c***!*

"Last month Mr Munajid condemned the Beijing Olympics as the "bikini Olympics", claiming that nothing made Satan happier than seeing females athletes dressed in skimpy outfits."

Well, duh. Satan is a guy.