WORDS FOR YOU TO LIVE BY

News: a movie portraying Margaret Thatcher will be out soon. Fun fact about Maggie's late husband:


In public, he nearly always kept his opinions to himself, but he was believed to have been instrumental in at least three Cabinet sackings, insisting to his wife that she had to get rid of people who were not reliable.

"Loyalty, to me, is the one quality all men must have" he once said.



Consider that my new motto, once you take out the commas.

I WILL DESTROY THE LOT OF YOU

A lot of my friends have been starting up their own blogs lately. Like this and this and this and this and this and this and this one as well.

That's what I refer to as "muscling in on my territory". My attitude to all of this is summed up here.

A PRANKTACULAR APRIL FOOLS PRANKING

One of my sisters went pranking recently, with pranktacular results. The target: her twin sister's desk.


Before the improvements:

After being improved:

That's my sister, digitally edited into the photos. Or maybe she was actually there with Beiber, I don't know.

Epic.

Hat tip to Katrina Morris for creating this pranktastic shrine to the power of pranking, and to the unfortunate victim: Vanessa Morris.

ON THIS DAY

On this day in 1990: "President Bush and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to reduce stockpiles of long-range nuclear weapons". But not by firing them at each other. Boring!

This day in 1990 sucked! Here's hoping for a more fun-filled day tomorrow:

DESK CALENDAR WISDOM

From today's desk calendar: insults listed and called un-Parliamentary in Great Britain's Parliamentary Handbook:

Cad. Pecksniffian cant. Stool pigeon. Guttersnipe. Murderer. Swine. Cheeky young pup.

I fear I would not do well in Great Britain's Parliament. My entire repertoire of insults, wiped out in one cruel stroke.

Those Pecksniffian cants have done me over again!

IN OTHER NEWS

Opposition Immigration spokesman Scott Morrison, Labor MP Jason Clare, independent MP Robert Oakeshott and a group of young people are currently travelling on the Sandakan Mateship Trek in commemoration of the 1,000 Diggers who were force marched to their death in World War Two.

“The Mateship Trek is an opportunity to not only learn about and commemorate the sacrifice of our Diggers but also about appreciating the values that bind us as a nation,” Mr Morrison said.

The gruelling 260km march began on 8 April 2011 and the group is expected to return on Sunday 17 April 2011 in time for ANZAC services being held in Australia.

Predictably, Scott Morrison seized the opportunity to try and murder Oakeshott during the trek, however his efforts were thwarted by Clare:

Foiled again

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Another NSW State election will be held tomorrow. Leading contender Barry O'Farrell was spotted below:

At the Woodstock Kindergarten in the previously safe, Labor-held inner-western Sydney seat of Strathfield, Mr O'Farrell had to develop his upside-down reading skills as he rested The Very Hungry Caterpillar on his lap and read it aloud. The 20 eager preschoolers did an excellent impression of never having heard a word of it before.

Later, Mr O'Farrell was shown the ropes of an alphabet-learning computer game by four-year-old Shewta Adaikalavan. As he was leaving, one of Shewta's classmates (a little boy, of course) called out to Mr O'Farrell: "You're a silly bum-bum."

"What did you say?" the putative NSW premier said with mock outrage. The little boy was suddenly lost for words, but his mate kindly volunteered: "He said you were a silly bum-bum."

Never before have I seen such an incisive description of either candidate at any election. Sometimes it takes an innocent child to state what we’re all thinking but are too afraid to say out loud, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. Pages of analysis couldn’t sum up O’Farrell quite as accurately as this four-year-old.

I’m voting for that kid. For real change.

Silly bum-bum.

Doodie head.

SHOCKING UPDATE!!!!

A random Liberal hanger-on (forefront) was spotted here, pummelling his wife with both fists. O'Farrell sits with wife Rosemary watching on in amusement.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

See if you can guess the rest of this headline: Hugh Hefner's lady shows off her massive...



UPDATE!!!!

And in other celebrity news:

Troubled actor Matthew Newton has broken his silence for the first time since allegedly attacking former girlfriend Rachael Taylor, confirming he remains in treatment for "a long-term and undiagnosed ailment".

It's called "being a douche".

APOLOGIES

By all accounts, 2010 was a slow year for posting on Where's Me Pint.

Personally, I blame a lack of competition. Where's Me Pint's market domination is absolute and unchallenged. With no possibility of any other blogs moving in on my territory, there is no need to produce any further content. I can simply coast on my previous efforts and watch the money roll in.

A shot from the living room of my beach-side mansion, paid for with the profits from Where's Me Pint.



More splendour.

One of the many cars in my collection. This one came with Kim Kardashian.

Stop me if I'm making you jealous.

Living large at beach-side parties is all part of the Where's Me Pint lifestyle. That's me in the middle.

On the other hand, it's not always easy being insanely cashed up on cold hard blog monies, living in magnificent beach-side mansions while partying day and night with many scantily clad ladies. But someone has to do it.

UPDATE!!!!

My accountant informs me Where's Me Pint is operating at a loss, and has been from the beginning. Shit!

He has also informed me those are images of Tiger Wood's house, and that my recollection involving those other images may not be 100% accurate. Shit!


MEGA-UPDATE!!!!

The rest of 2010 was also shit-house. Naturally that was everyone else's fault.


SUPER-MEGA-UPDATE!!!!

Good news! I've fired my accountant.

MORE ELECTION MADNESS

Tony Abbott brought a twist to the Australian election campaign today, by kidnapping a child:

"Aaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa!" - Abbott

How absconding with a youngster would help his campaign has yet to be determined.

Abbott has yet to offer a comment and has not been seen since he ran off down the road.



P.S. I promise this will be the last election-related blog post. But like all promises relating to an election campaign, this one will probably be broken.

LOL-POLITICS

JULIA Gillard has still yet to talk directly to Kevin Rudd about him joining her campaign, saying they have been communicating by text message.

Ms Gillard she hopes to catch up with Mr Rudd in Brisbane tomorrow but conceded she had not spoken directly with him.

“We're chronic, chronic texters, chronic BlackBerry users,” Ms Gillard told ABC radio.

“And so we've been communicating like that and we're going to catch up face-to-face on Saturday.”

In another stunning exclusive, this blog has obtained a transcript of the text messages exchanged between the two politicians:


Text message sent by Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard ("JG"): oh hai dere! u still mad??

Text message sent in reply by former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd ("KR"): wtf LOL yes

JG: zomg lyk build a bridge & lyk get over it

KR: u get over it

JG: k cn u lyk stop bein baby n help me stop abbott nao?

KR: u stop bein baby & you help me stop abbott now!

JG: um k. will u halp or no?

KR: ye ye sure whatevs. i can has ministry 4 foreign affairs now?

JG: ummmmmmmmmmm….......yes

KR: sweet

JG: we b friends now?

KR: Lol


Politics at it’s finest.


SHOCKING UPDATE!!!!

Political campaign descends into no-holds-barred wrestling match, somehow.



SHOCKING TWITTER EXCHANGE!!!!
(Between myself and the editor of The Punch David Penberthy, after he posted this article)

@Penbo Hey, you stole my idea! http://tiny.cc/wv4h5

Penbo @MrDenorris great (or strange) minds mate. Didn't see yours til you sent me the link. Honest!

LAZY FRIDAY AFTERNOONS AT WORK

After spending Friday morning busting my balls at Parramatta Local Court I arrived back at the office.

Around closing time my boss asked me to provide a hearing report to him so he could forward it on to the client that day. I gave him a hearing report all right.

Below is a true copy.


So & So Case Hearing Report
I went to that place where the Court stuff is heard and a few things happened.

The first thing that happened was the matter was set down for final hearing.

The other thing that happened was the other guy said he wanted to file another affidavit and we said yeah.

As I said before we should probably file their first affidavit or things might go bad.

The end.

A MODEST MILESTONE, AND A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO INSULT EVERYONE

Where's Me Pint now has 100 posts. My blog is therefore (100 minus [X]) times better than yours, where X = the number of posts on your blog.

If you don't have a blog, well I don't blame you. Not everyone can be a super star.

And if you happen to have a blog which has more than 100 posts: Christ you need to get a life.

WHERE'S ME PINT: NOW BANNED IN PAKISTAN

Posting continues to be slow here at Where's Me Pint. To make it up to my loyal reader (if you're reading this, that's you), here are some scantily clad women:

It's a tough job, selecting these photos. But I do it for the fan.

OH OH, THINGS ARE GETTING POLITICAL AROUND HERE, IT MUST BE AN ELECTION YEAR

1) "We didn't properly, I think, estimate the complexity of what we were embarking on." - Kevin Rudd.

2) “We didn’t anticipate how hard it was going to be to deliver things.” - Kevin Rudd.

3) "It turns out promising to do things is easier than actually doing them! Whoops!" - Kevin Rudd.

See if you can pick which quote out of the three is fake. Choose correctly and you may win a prize!*


*Disclaimer: In the event you win a prize, it will be from a source unconnected with this blog and entirely co-incidental.