MILESTONE REACHED

Did you see that? I've slammed down seven posts for the month! ...And now it's eight!

If only someone would read them.

That person would be very happy with the amount of free content I've churned out. It wouldn't make up for the amount of anger and disgust they would feel reading each post, but still...

I award myself an "A" for effort.

IRAQI OIL RANT

In lieu of producing any content that's original or interesting, I have decided to re-post an old tirade of mine. In light of today's sky-rocketing oil prices, it remains as relevant and insightful today as when I wrote it back in 2003:

The people who know me will have noticed that recently I have become enraged...much more so than usual. And all the time too, not just on weekdays or after a few pints. Why you ask, why!? Is it because some kid vomited on his new shoes? Did he get pulled over by the cops cause he ran over some pedestrian who deserved it? Was he bitten by a smelly hippy, so now he will become one?

All those things happened, but they aren't why I'm angry at this particular moment. No, the answer is much more obvious.

I'm angry about the substance that greases our TV screens, burns in our light bulbs and causes the earth to spin on it's axis around the sun. I'm talking about the stuff that all life depends upon, that sweet, black, Texas-T style oil! God I love it, but on the other hand, I hate paying for it, and that's part of why I'm angry. Allow me to explain.

As we all know, the only reason I supported the Iraq war was so that I could save a few bucks down at the gas station. At least I can be honest about it. Some of those right-wingers are still trying to convince us they supported the war because of "Weapons of mass destruction" and "humanitarian" reasons, but now that we have conclusive proof that there were never any WMD's, and that no crimes were ever committed by Saddam at any stage, I think a few more conservatives are going to come out with the truth: "We wanted Iraqi oil by the barrelful, yeeeehaw!" - Cheney.

But don't think the right-wingers are the only ones who got it all wrong. I remember it was the protesters, not the neo-cons, who were promising me the big oil savings. "Blood for oil?" I thought, watching one of many protests. "Sounds like a fair trade to me!”

But now I find the exact opposite has happened! Uncertainty over the Iraq war has actually contributed to increasing oil prices, along with increasing demand in India and China. And it gets worse. I opened up the paper the other day to find that Australia is waiving a $600 million debt owed to us for wheat shipments we made before 1991, $500 million of which will be paid for by ME, John Q. Taxpayer! I have to pay $3 for a loaf of bread, meanwhile the government is handing out the stuff for free!

What a rip! But anyway, where was I?

Ah yes, the Iraqi oil price scandal.

In light of the fact that oil prices have gone through the roof, no significant stockpiles of WMD's have been found, and that Muqtada al-Sadr has just been elected president of the interim Iraqi government (an event that will no doubt precede the total collapse of Iraq), it is clear that we should not have invaded Iraq.

Instead, we should have invaded India and China.

A quick, decapitation strike aimed at their governments should be able to stop them before they can get their fingers on their nuclear mega-death kill switches. Then we can relax, sit back and enjoy the show as a general bombing campaign aimed at their infrastructure/businesses/oil refineries/homes etc blasts them until there's nothing left.

Because if they think they're going to enjoy economic prosperity at my expense, even if that expense amounts to a few cents a litre, then they can bloody well think again!

EVERYBODY LOVES LADY LOVE

I'm thinking about starting a new religion, one that would be founded on the holiest of holy concepts: the celebration of lady love.

I became inspired after witnessing the following miracle, sent down from the heavens by the Holy Father himself so that all of mankind may bask in it's blessings:





I was later overjoyed to discover that I was not the only one concerned with spreading the Good Lord's message to the yet-to-be-converted. Listen closely as brother "Pittsburgh Slim" delivers the following sermon. It would truly be a heart of stone that is not swayed by his message:





There's no punchline here. This is not a subject one can make jokes about.

...

Booioioioing!

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE CLAIMED

Australia has won the World Heavyweight Title and is now officially the world's fattest nation, with one in four of us considered obese.

Well, it's good to be No. 1, and if we couldn't win the race to the moon, we can at least say we have beaten the Yanks at this.



UPDATE!!!

Interestingly, at the last two Olympic games Australia p0wned the competition in terms of medals per capita won, coming a respectable fourth in 2000 and third in 2004.

Presumably there is some correlation between a nation's per capita medal count and how athletic it's population is. This being the case, then Australians are simultaneously among the world's most athletic citizens, and also among the world's fattest.

Australia's "biggest losers" take to the track:

Run faster fatty! The nation's hopes for Olympic glory rest on your shoulders!

VACATION SEX

Further to my other posts relating to sex-filled sextacular sexiness, I'm linking to this article on why vacation sex is better.

Some people may say that shamelessly flogging this kind of sleaze in a lazy attempt to drum up hits is beneath my talents, and that I have brought shame on myself by publishing content unworthy of an otherwise fine blog.

Those people are idiots.

AND EVEN MORE SEXINESS

Just to crank up the sex-factor around here to previously un-imaginable levels, here are a few sexy photos:




Who said this blog is gradually turning into a hardcore porn site?? I certainly didn't.

FEEDBACK

A while back I left the following tirade on the Feedback section of my friend Miles' website, but I have now decided to post it here because no one reads the Feedback section of Miles' website:

From: Everything that's wrong with society, and why it's your fault.

Everyone pays too much tax these days. Why? Because the working class (that’s me, plus a few other people) foot the bill for lazy humanities students who are good at writing endless essays about nothing but will never become useful in the real world. That includes you!

We both know you’ll skip the country when the HECS bill arrives. Just give us a break.

And another thing. I always just miss my train. Every day. If I come 5 minutes early, it leaves 5 minutes and 10 seconds early. If I’m late, same story. I know you’re involved somehow!

The train service stinks. Always has and always will. And what have you done about it?? Nothing!

Some people blame City Rail. I know better.

All these things make God angry. All I can say is you’re part of the problem. I wouldn’t want to be you on Judgment day.

This website is bullshit. I can’t make head nor tail of the front page, and it only gets worse if I’m foolhardy enough to venture into those other sections. Most of them seem to be packed with your extreme anti-abortion views. I wish I was making this stuff up.

It’s just all very hard to read, especially for someone who’s blind. Have you considered adding Braille? I’d wager you haven’t!

Just forget your website for a moment. Sit down and listen to what I’m telling you. Get a real job. Something in the mining industry. That’s where the big money is.

In conclusion, if I were a lumberjack, I’d chop your house down.

DON'T FUCK WITH HIM

Violence in Iraq has fallen to a four year low, and things in general seem to be looking up there. I, like many commentators, incorrectly attributed this result to the "surge" strategy employed by General Petraeus.

But then, the truth hit me like a round-house kick to the face:

Chuck Norris toured Iraq in September 2007!

Chuck Norris, planning victory

Chuck Norris loses patience with a minion and begins to snap his neck. It's the happiest moment of minion's life. Proud Father looks on.

Chuck Norris, seen here with the tank he used to win the war. Coincidentally, the tank is also called Chuck Norris.

UPDATE!!!

Progress is also now being made in Afghanistan. I wonder when Chuck Norris was there?