A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

A woman in Bristol, England, is responding to treatment for an extremely rare condition that makes her speak French and believe she is in France.

If, god forbid, I ever fall victim to this horrible condition, it will be up to you loyal readers to put me out of my misery immediately. Faced with living a tortured existence believing I was a Frenchmen, I (like most people) would prefer the sweet release of death.

POPULATION SHOULD BE REDUCED BY 1/3

Survey one: one in three Americans believe Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11.

Survey two: one in three Germans believe the US Government was responsible for 9/11.

Survey three: one in three Britons believe Princess Diana's death was not an accident.

Survey four: A survey conducted by the Morris Institute of Big Numbers found that 33% of all people are bonkers, regardless of nationality.

LET'S KEEP THINGS DECENT

A criminal case has been filed against Aishwarya Rai, the former Miss World, and Hrithik Roshan over their on-screen kiss in the recently released Bollywood film Dhoom 2.

Here's a shot of the offending kiss:

Monsters

Here are some other disturbing images from the movie Dhoom 2 (Warning! Not safe for children!):

Aaargh!


UPDATE!!

I may have possibly confused the movie Dhoom 2 with the video game franchise Doom. Apologies to Ashwarya Wai, and anyone else offended by the above photo of The Rock.

WATCH OUT! HE'S PACKIN' HEAT!

Despite increased security at courthouses following shootings in Chicago and Atlanta about one year ago, many judges are bringing their own guns into their courtrooms for protection.

Earlier this month, a Florida judge was ordered to accept mentoring after warning a defense attorney that he was "locked and loaded." In May, a judicial ethics committee of the New York State Unified Court System found that it was ethical for a judge to carry a pistol into his courtroom.

As a state senator remarked: "Guns are like lawyers: better to have one and not need it than need one and not have it"

In order to cover all your bases, I suggest you get a lawyer who has a gun.

Morris SC, at your service:

That's me, preparing for my first court appearance

BUT THAT'S ALL I DO!

Malaysia may introduce tough Internet laws to control bloggers and prevent them from spreading "disharmony, chaos, seditious material and lies" on their websites, a report has said.

Thank Christ I'm not blogging in Malaysia. I'd be hanging from the gallows in no time.

THE EINFELD DEFENSE: IT'S A JOKE

Retired Judge and larrikan Marcus Einfeld has been in the news a bit lately, having caused a broohaha by attempting to pin the blame for a series of traffic offences on other people. Instead of copping it on the chin like a good Christian, Einfeld has attempted to slip the hang-man's noose by blaming a bunch of foreign visitors for driving his car.

Unfortunately for him, it was later revealed his scapegoats were dead at the time. This has been dubbed: the “Einfeld defence”.

The media have kicked up a lot of stink over his attempts to avoid justice, however they and most other people seem to have overlooked Judge Einfeld’s real crime: he’s lending his car to dead people.

Instead of banishing these plague-ridden zombies back to the festering graves from which they crawled, he's inviting them to borrow his car and go for a cruise. Einfeld apparently sees nothing wrong with this, nevermind whatever diabolical purposes these god-forsaken hellspawn might be using his car for. And to make matters worse, the zombies are breaking traffic laws left, right and center.

The "Einfeld defence" indeed. This isn’t so much a “defence”, as it is a raising of the white flag, a lowering of the drawbridge, in order to allow the shuffling, undead masses to walk in unimpeded and enslave all of humanity.

If we can’t rely on a Judge, of all people, to fight the forces of evil at humanities hour of need, who can we rely on?

Who will set an example for the children?




















Milla Jovovich, pictured here kicking some zombies and showing that nancy-boy Einfeld how it’s done.












Milla Jovovich, seen here setting an example for the children.

ONE OF LIFE'S HARD CHOICES

I'm in the market for a car at the moment. I don't want anything too fancy, just something to get me from A to B. I've narrowed it down to a choice between:















2002 Mitsubishi Lancer

And

Crush-a-majig

The Lancer has a 1.8 litre 4 cylinder engine, ABS brakes, tinted windows, power steering and alloy wheels.

On the other hand, the Crush-a-majig has crushing power. It's a tough call.



UPDATE!!

A Challenger arises:
















The Gouge-a-nator

The Gouge-a-nator, although smaller than my other two options, is lighter, faster and more maneuverable than the crush-a-majig, and it would also give me the immense satisfaction of being able to see the looks on my enemies faces before I mow them down.

The Lancer, however, has better mileage and more passenger seats.

There’s a lot to think about here. I should consult my ouija board before making a decision.

GOTTA CATCH EM ALL

From an article in yesterday's Sun-Herald (not available online):

It is hoped a device being developed to detect bombs and catch terrorists will be produced in Tasmania.

I have since gone to the trouble of developing my own device for catching terrorists:

Throwing Net

That one's on the house, Tasmania.

CHEESE IT!

Ultra-Radical Muslims in Melbourne and Sydney are breaking away from their fundamentalist wahhabist leaders, presumably because they aren't radical enough.

Quite frankly, I'm fleeing to Queensland. No extremists there.

Except maybe for this guy:

"September 11 is Allah's work against oppressors" - Premier Peter Beattie, seen here preaching to his followers at an ALP conference.

VOTE OR DIE!

I haven't figured out how to set up voting on this site yet (if it is indeed possible), so you'll just have to vote in comments.

What do you think of this blog so far?

A) Mediocre
B) Below average
C) Sub-standard
D) Absolute crap
E) You've robbed me of 30 seconds of my life and I want them back!
F) At least it's better than this

MONEY PLEASE

Now that I've gotten this blog off the ground, I figure I should start doing what every other blog does and beg for donations.

Unfortunately I'm too lazy to set up a PayPal account, so should you wish to make a donation you can send cheques or money orders to:

20 Deborah Close
Mt Colah NSW 2079

That's not my home address of course, giving that out would be far too dangerous. I'll be working through an intermediary* at all times, to prevent the nutters from getting me. You can't be too safe in this age of terrorists.

*Said intermediary is as yet unaware that his address is being used for this purpose, but he'll probably figure it out eventually.

CODE OF ETHICS

It has occured to me that this blog, like all good blogs, should have a code of ethics. So, without any further stalling for time I give you:

CODE OF ETHICS

1. Content will be blatantly stolen from other blogs and websites better than this one, without attribution.

2. I promise to tell the fair dinkum, dead-set truth at all times, unless I see a good reason not too.

3. Comments will be moderated, and any comments deemed offensive, threatening or abusive will be deleted.

Just kidding! Like I could be bothered reading the damn things anyway.

4. I promise to update this blog at least twice daily.

Hahahaha.

5. If you don't like my colour scheme, bite me.

EMAIL THREE

Subject: Me brain my damage?

So a couple of kindergarteners in New Zealand broke into a store room and went on the turps.

I don't see what the big deal is. I, like all New Zealanders, started drinking heavily from the age of 4 and I aint not no darn dummie.

EMAIL TWO

Subject: If I was in charge...

Good news everyone! I've started studying Australian Constitutional Law!

"Zzzzzz" I hear you all say. Fair enough, however you might still be interested to know that I've already identified several ways in which I would improve the Constitution if I somehow managed to get elected to high office...

Section 116 of the Constitution prevents the Government from founding a religion. My grandmother used to say we could all use more religion in our lives, and for that reason, if elected I pledge to make it my top priority to sweep away this archaic, backward-facing rule and establish no less than ten religions within my first year of office. More religion for all!

I'll leave it up to you, my highly valued constituents to decide what form these religions will take, but like all good religions I expect they will glorify drinking, swearing and gambling.

Religion aside, I have discovered a disturbing fact about our right to vote. Apparently, people living in Australia's Territories have no Constitutional right to participate in elections for the House of Representatives. It seems to me that they just started voting with the rest of us, and nobody objected! If I was in charge, I would correct this oversight, relegating those Territorians (that is, terrorists!) to the status of legal non-entities, just as our founding fathers intended.

So the next time you vote at a Local, State or Federal Election (I don't care which, they all pay the same), vote 1 Morris! Free beer for all!


P.S. Due to an error the election officials may possibly leave my name off the ballot. In the event that happens, just add an extra box to the bottom and write my name next to it, like some of my friends did at the last Local election. I never checked the results, but I'm sure I won.

P.P.S. Some of you might point out that the Constitution can only be changed via a referendum. However, a thorough reading of the Constitution reveals it's drafters intended it to be a living, breathing document, and one which our elected officials could alter or ignore as circumstances dictate.

EMAIL ONE

Subject: They'll rue the day the crossed me

As you all may or may not be aware, I make the occasional trip to the gym. In doing so I would typically park on the street, unless there's no room on the street in which case I would park in the neighbouring bowling alley's car park. Sure, there's a sign saying "bowling patrons only, offenders will be towed", but the park is usually fairly deserted, and as I've parked there in the past without incident I figured they'd be cool with it.

Anyway, when I returned to retrieve my car yesterday I was appalled to find they had locked the gate shut, sealing my car in. I can say with confidence no one in history has suffered a greater injustice!

Now in the spirit of violent over-reaction (which seems to be in vogue at the moment), and in the absence of any clearly defined rules on who may issue fatwa's and in what circumstances they may be issued, I have decided to issue my own fatwa (this email) to my follower's (that's you guys) to wage unceasing jihad against the AMF bowling alley in Hornsby until every employee there is dead. Or at least so badly incapacitated that they wish they were dead.

That'll show those f***s.

If you're interested in finding these agents of misery so that you may exact justice upon them, simply look for the giant bowling pin that towers menacingly over all of Hornsby, intimidating locals and discouraging opposition to their iron-fisted rule.

Viva-la-revolution!


P.S. I considered extending the fatwa to AMF Australia, but if I had called them to complain they probably wouldn't know what the hell I was talking about, or even that a bowling alley in Hornsby exists. It would obviously be unfair to punish the many for the actions of a few. I do have a sense of justice, you know. Wouldn't want to be labelled an extremist.

FIRST POST...AND PROBABLY LAST

These days, every nickle and dime Al-Qaeda sympathiser is starting a blog. Well It's about time someone fought back, and as a self-described frontline soldier in the blog-based war on terror, I promise to pack this blog chock-full of fresh, gritty and in-your-face content.

Unfortunately, I find myself unable to think of any fresh, gritty, or in-your-face content. So instead, I'll post a collection of random emails I've sent around work which have bored my colleagues to tears (as well as anyone else unfortunate enough to be on my work email list). Pretty much everyone hates them, but you might be an exception.