SEX AND THE CITY 2: A FUTURISTIC WAR MOVIE

Sex and the City 2's first poster has been revealed:





As you can see, Sarah Jessica Parker has been replaced by a soulless golden-metallic skinned cyborg.

Although producers are remaining tight-lipped on the details of the plot, the poster does show "Carrie" calmly walking away from some kind of blinding explosion or flash grenade.

"Shortly after completing the first film we realised it didn't have enough kick-ass explosions or awesome fight scenes to really, you know, make the movie worth watching. In Sex and the City 2 we corrected that mistake" - Director Michael Patrick King.

King dismissed suggestions that changes to the franchise might alienate it's mostly female fans.

"For the female fans I say: don't worry, there will still be plenty of hugging. But this time around the numerous long-winded discussions about the sex lives of 40-something year old women will be tempered by scenes containing giant chainsaw wielding mutants hacking each other to death in brutal, king-of-the-hill style battles. Really the movie has something for everyone".

Sex and the City 2 is slated for release in mid-2010.

MEETING THE PARENTS

Heading up to Canberra to meet the ol' girlfriend's Dad this weekend.

I was looking forward to it...until she emailed me saying that "he's a bit like Chuck Norris". My response:

!!!!

Like Chuck Norris? Like Chuck Norris?! That’s ten times worse than anything I could have possibly imagined in my worst nightmares.

*chokes*

I see it all now.

He’ll greet me at the front door, towering over me, barrel chested and wearing an unbuttoned flannelette shirt. He’ll put down the axe he just used to cut down several giant trees before reaching out and giving me a handshake that instantly crushes my hand. A shotgun blast to the face will seem merciful by comparison.

Before I’ve had time to recover he’ll give me a tour of the house, his booming voice shattering my ear drums as he shows me trophies of giant animals he’s killed with his bare hands.

He’ll invite us to lunch, serving us both bowls of burning hot coals smothered in Tabasco sauce, with Guatemalan insanity peppers ground in for extra flavour. If I show even a hint of discomfort at the meal he’s prepared, he’ll instantly kill me with a sharp stare for daring to show such weakness in his presence.

I’ll ask to use the bathroom. He’ll tell me the nearest outhouse can only be reached via an 11 kilometer trek through snow and rocky terrain, and that real men make the journey bare foot, and often, because real men have high fibre diets.

And the whole time I’ll be trapped. Trapped in Canberra with no possibility of a quick escape.

Oh, I’ve seen it all.

*Sobs quietly*



UPDATE!!!!

My girlfriend responds: "I think he'll like you."

Well, that makes me feel much better then.

A FUN DAY OUT WITH OBAMA

In today's news:

President Obama staged an Olympic rally at the White House on Wednesday, saying the United States was cheering for his hometown of Chicago in it's efforts to host the 2016 Summer Games.

He was joined by first lady Michelle Obama, Olympic and Paralympic athletes, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley and middle school children.

Sith Lord Darth Obama, seen here intimidating the Olympic Rally with his lightsaber skills.

However, the mood soured later in the day when Obama discovered that champion fencer Tim Morehouse, who was in attendance at the Olympic Rally, had previously only won a silver medal at the 2008 Olympics.

An enraged Obama threatens to execute the fencer for failing to win gold. Morehouse begs for mercy.

Obama loses patience and lunges forward, striking a killing blow.

Obama, his bloodlust apparently unsated, then turned on his wife:

"No one will stand in my way" Obama was heard muttering.

Obama then took some time out from his killing rampage to watch some light entertainment:

"HAHAHAHA, yes yes, fight to the death!" - Obama, watching two minions battle

Obama watches on in amusement as the killing blow is dealt.

Later, one of the fencers challenged him to a mock fight:

"Obama doesn't need a weapon!" he said, before swinging a deadly right hook at his opponent. The fencer did not survive.

Obama, seen here using the force to choke a young gymnast for his own gratification.

Obama later finished proceedings by delivering an inspirational speech to the gathered members of United States Olympic Committee:

"All will fear me but follow me!" he yelled shaking his fist, to rousing applause from the crowd.

Obama soon left the area, exclaiming: "So long, suckers!" before flapping his arms furiously:

His approval ratings have never been higher.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Quote: "We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site" - two Bangladeshi newspapers, who reprinted one of the Onion's satirical articles as fact.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Headline: Hitler sex tape ad starts TV war.

Over half a century on, and that f*** Hitler is still starting wars.

Also, now he's making sex tapes. Let this be added to the list of his other crimes against humanity.

EGADS

I've gone nearly two whole months without posting anything. It's due to the Global Financial Crisis you see. Do you know how much it costs to print each one of these words!?

Neither do I, but I'm sure it's a lot. Remind me to have a word with my accountant.

UPDATE!!!

My Accountant just got back to me. He says I'm still broke.

GENTLEMAN, START YOUR ENGINES!

NSW police will not issue on the spot fines for a week after wage negotiations with the state government broke down.

The NSW Police Association said it was forced to take the action after the government failed to follow an Industrial Relations Commission recommendation to resume wage negotiation by 4pm (AEST) on Wednesday.

Association president Bob Pritchard said police would "exercise their discretion" and not issue on the spot fines for traffic, parking, rail and boating infringements.

If I may make a modest prediction, this is more or less what you can expect to see on Sydney's streets early on this week:

That's me, in the pink convertible

Hey buddy, you're on fire!

Fine that, losers!

Outta the way, Gramps!

*Yawn*

Pretty boring night out if you ask me.

Fortunately, that situation isn't likely to last.If things pan out the way I'm expecting them to, by the end of the week Sydney's streets will start to look a lot more like this:






















Gonna be a fun week. I'll see you guys at the finish line.

JOB APPLICATION MARK II

My boss was complaining today about the dozens of semi-literate, incomprehensible or otherwise unsuitable job applications he has been receiving for a position he's currently offering online.

I decided to jump on Seek and submit an application myself, to show those amateurs how it's done. Behold!


JOB APPLICATION
From Christoff Morris


Hire me now!

I am the Evil twin of Christopher Morris, but I am way better than he is!

We were separated at a young age, he was sent to Australia, I was sent to Russia.

Boy did I draw the short straw!

Regardless, my time trekking through the desolate Siberian wastelands taught me valuable skills that make me well suited to working in the fields of law, or accounting.

I can track and kill a Seal with my bare hands, and I can live for weeks at a time by eating snow, and nothing else.

I also briefly studied hand-to-hand combat with the KGB. Should your respectable firm have any enemies, I can discreetly "take care" of them, if you catch my drift.

I have not attached a resume, because my covering letter is awesome.

So when do I start?

I look forward to your positive response.

P.S. Hire me and I can give you all the dirt on Christopher you could ever need, and some other stuff about him you'll wish you'd never learned.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

This image stolen from Trollcats.

AT MY FRIEND'S REQUEST, HERE'S A REVIEW OF HIS NEW BLOG

It sucks.

"SQUEEZED LIKE A LEMON"

Every now and then you came across something that makes you think: What the hell?


UPDATE!!!

In unrelated news, I have decided to move to Russia to take up a career in beauty salon robbing. I'll send you a postcard, tell you how it works out.

AND THE OSCAR FOR BEST PILE OF CRAP GOES TO...

Holy crap! This website allows talent-free miscreants like myself to make short movies using little computerised block people...for free!

Check out my first effort:





Watch out, Hollywood! Your domination of the movie industry is about to come to an end.

Probably...

NO FURTHER COMMENT NECESSARY

Oooooooooow!


UPDATE!!!

And another thing:

Oooooooooow!

ATTENTION PLEASE!

Here are some scantily clad women:

Because this blog, and indeed every blog, and indeed every other site on the internet, and indeed everything else period, needs more scantily clad women.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Besides, I felt like drumming up some hits. People certainly don't come here for my other content, I can tell you that much!

SECOND! AND PROBABLY LAST!

The British Royal Air Force, apparently having nothing better to do, have decided to use the UFOs now plaguing their skies for target practice.

I for one fully support the RAF's decision. The sooner the Brits antagonise these alien visitors into wiping out humanity, the sooner the irritating debate over the existence of UFOs will come to an end.

Win, win.

FIRST!

Here it is! Where's Me Pint's first post for 2009! Hazaa! Just in case you're living in a cave and your satellite Internet connection will allow you to connect to this blog and nothing else, here's how things have gone down in 2009 so far:

A black man has seized control of the White House, finally signalling the end of the American civil war. Who would have thought whitey would lose?

In unrelated news, everything else has gone to shit.

I'll get back to you at the end of 2009 to give you an update on whether humanity has survived, but I'm going to be honest with you Jim, from where I'm sitting things aren't looking good.

The barbarians are at the gates. I pray the Lord forgives us our sins.



UPDATE!!!

I have just at this moment realised this post doesn't make a lot of sense. To my critics who say my posts should make more sense, I say this, and simply this:

Purple Monkey Dishwasher!

And more importantly: Fuck off! I've already made my views known on you critics and your criticising criticisms. Your Head-a-splode!!

This is 2009, the year of the Lunatic on the Chinese Calendar, and being a lunatic, it seems my time has finally come.

It's good to be King.



MEGA UPDATE!!!

It has been pointed out to me that it is, in fact, the year of the Ox on the Chinese Calendar, not the year of the Lunatic as I may have previously suggested. But seeing as I was born in the year of the Ox, it is still my year, so rock on, bitches!