VACATION SEX

Further to my other posts relating to sex-filled sextacular sexiness, I'm linking to this article on why vacation sex is better.

Some people may say that shamelessly flogging this kind of sleaze in a lazy attempt to drum up hits is beneath my talents, and that I have brought shame on myself by publishing content unworthy of an otherwise fine blog.

Those people are idiots.

AND EVEN MORE SEXINESS

Just to crank up the sex-factor around here to previously un-imaginable levels, here are a few sexy photos:




Who said this blog is gradually turning into a hardcore porn site?? I certainly didn't.

FEEDBACK

A while back I left the following tirade on the Feedback section of my friend Miles' website, but I have now decided to post it here because no one reads the Feedback section of Miles' website:

From: Everything that's wrong with society, and why it's your fault.

Everyone pays too much tax these days. Why? Because the working class (that’s me, plus a few other people) foot the bill for lazy humanities students who are good at writing endless essays about nothing but will never become useful in the real world. That includes you!

We both know you’ll skip the country when the HECS bill arrives. Just give us a break.

And another thing. I always just miss my train. Every day. If I come 5 minutes early, it leaves 5 minutes and 10 seconds early. If I’m late, same story. I know you’re involved somehow!

The train service stinks. Always has and always will. And what have you done about it?? Nothing!

Some people blame City Rail. I know better.

All these things make God angry. All I can say is you’re part of the problem. I wouldn’t want to be you on Judgment day.

This website is bullshit. I can’t make head nor tail of the front page, and it only gets worse if I’m foolhardy enough to venture into those other sections. Most of them seem to be packed with your extreme anti-abortion views. I wish I was making this stuff up.

It’s just all very hard to read, especially for someone who’s blind. Have you considered adding Braille? I’d wager you haven’t!

Just forget your website for a moment. Sit down and listen to what I’m telling you. Get a real job. Something in the mining industry. That’s where the big money is.

In conclusion, if I were a lumberjack, I’d chop your house down.

DON'T FUCK WITH HIM

Violence in Iraq has fallen to a four year low, and things in general seem to be looking up there. I, like many commentators, incorrectly attributed this result to the "surge" strategy employed by General Petraeus.

But then, the truth hit me like a round-house kick to the face:

Chuck Norris toured Iraq in September 2007!

Chuck Norris, planning victory

Chuck Norris loses patience with a minion and begins to snap his neck. It's the happiest moment of minion's life. Proud Father looks on.

Chuck Norris, seen here with the tank he used to win the war. Coincidentally, the tank is also called Chuck Norris.

UPDATE!!!

Progress is also now being made in Afghanistan. I wonder when Chuck Norris was there?

WANTED: VILLAIN

Here's an email I sent around to all my co-workers the other day:

As you may already be aware, someone has seen fit to shuffle the dates on my desktop calendar and they are now in completely random order.

Naturally I want nothing less than swift, brutal justice to be dealt to the perpetrator of this heinous crime. This person is a danger to society and themselves, and they must be caught.

I cannot overemphasise the gravity of this situation. If this kind of behaviour isn't nipped in the bud now, who knows how long until this person progresses to more serious crimes, like serial killing? It is for this reason that I'm offering a cash reward* to whoever provides information leading to this persons capture and conviction.

Should you have any information, please call Crimestoppers immediately on 1800 333 000.


P.S. The 8th of October is missing. A clue?

* Please note cash reward will not exceed monetary value of the calendar.

DOESN'T QUITE COMPUTE

Newz from New Zealand:

An Israeli tourist tired of wolf whistles from road workers in New Zealand stripped off her clothes in a show of defiance, police say.

The woman was about to use an ATM in the main street of Kerikeri, in the far north of the country, when the men whistled, the New Zealand Press Association reported.

She calmly stripped off, then used the cash machine, before getting dressed and walking away.

The woman told police she did not take too kindly to the whistling from the men repairing the road.

"She said she had thought 'bugger them, I'll show them what I've got'," Police Sergeant Peter Masters told NZPA.

I'm sure they learnt their lesson.

TERROR ON THE HIGH SEAS REVISITED

My family, having learnt nothing from our last naval catastrophe, went up to Gosford over the weekend and once again decided it would a good idea to hire a boat and hit the water.

The guy who hired it out to us called it a "boat", although it would be more accurate to describe it as a glorified dingy:

Now that's just crap.

As could have been predicted, the engine cut out just as we were at the furthest point from the wharf.

The boat later went down with all six souls on board. May god have mercy on them all.

P.S. The tale of how I survived is a long and tedious one. I'll tell you about it some day.

A MIND-BLOWING SEX MARATHON

Posting has been a little slow on this blog recently, so in order to drum up some business I'm linking to this article about sexy, sex-filled sex marathons, because sex sells. Sex!

Also, see the below post for more sex-related sex fiend-istry.



UPDATE!!

"Those that approach from the rear are much less likely to be cannibalised"

Good advice.

SEX CONTRACT

Women should have to sign a contract before sex to combat false rape allegations, if proposed new laws are passed, independent MP Ann Bressington says.

She told (South Australia’s) Parliament the planned new laws – which make it an offence to continue a sex act with a person after consent if they changed their mind – would make it easier for men to be accused of rape…

“Perhaps this parliament could devise a contract which men could carry around in their pocket, next to their condoms… The contract may contain the name and address of the women, with her driver’s licence number, so that the man can see the signatures match, clauses that state that the woman has
or has not been drinking or taking drugs – licit or illicit – and that she consents to foreplay.”

Farfetched? Or an accurate prediction of things to come?

LEGAL EAGLES

This Judge in America has been charged with judicial misconduct for, among other things, being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol while on the bench, and for causing a ruckus at something called a "Torpedo's Go Go Bar".

Is this behaviour unusual? My own experiences with persons working in the Legal Industry correspond very closely with this.

My instructing Solicitors invariably rock up to work late, smelling of booze. They pace the office hurling obscenities and liquor bottles at anyone foolhardy enough to bother them with anything resembling work, and you are more likely to find them poring over a liquor cabinet than a legal file.

In fact the only time they seem to do anything that even remotely resembles work is when they take a client out for drinks.

Considering all this, I think they came down pretty hard on that Judge. The law is an ass.


P.S. If any of the solicitors from my work read this, I'm referring to the lawyers from that other firm I work in. The one you don't know about.

BETRAYED!

Just got an email from a Facebook application I foolishly signed up to called "Circle of Trust". This application allows you to rate your friends on their trust-worthiness.

The votes are in, and apparently I'm ranked 29th most trustworthy out of all my friends.

Well, I'll see you guys later, I'm off to sue everyone I know for defamation. That'll teach em for not trusting me!

JOB APPLICATION

Here's an email I sent to a close personal acquaintance of mine the other day:

Dear Andy

I recall a few weeks back during a certain poker tournament you mentioned that you were hiring writers. I also recall that after I politely raised the possibility that I might apply for the job, you suggested that I had no writing skills.

Appalled by this slur on my reputation, I have today decided to make a quick career change and apply for any positions you have available. When considering my suitability I hope you will read the attached review which I have drafted to demonstrate that I do, in fact, have mad writing skills. I have not attached my CV because I consider this unnecessary.

So when do I start? If necessary I can write reviews while continuing to work at my current job, which is practically in a related field anyway.

Attachment:

Review: Andy's Face

What’s Hot:
Lack of scarring, “Premium” white skin colour

What’s Not:
Only available in one colour, Face is “male” as opposed to the generally preferred “female”.

The Final Word:
Andy’s Face is an affordable model with some interesting features that makes it well worth considering for the average face-buyer.


Claiming to be the hottest new face on the Berowra scene, the “Andy’s Face” prototype contains an attractive array of features certain to entice even the most jaded face-purchasing consumers.

Andy’s Face contains the industry standard layout comprising of two-eyes, a mouth and a nose located in the centre of the face. This un-inspiring “same-same” approach to face design is not particularly impressive, however we were not necessarily expecting anything revolutionary in that regard from the Kliem Corporation’s first foray in the world of Face-making.

One of the first things we noticed when reviewing Andy’s Face was the attractively located cheek bones, interesting use of shading and the almost total absence of disease. However, the in-built “eyeball” cameras that came with the model performed below the standard one would expect for a model of this type. The camera takes poor resolution images with auto-focus apparently disabled. In this day and age anything less than the 20-20 resolution that comes standard with most models is undesirable and not a strong selling point. Having said that, they do function passably without the need for any resolution-enhancing accessories.

Picture quality is about what we would expect for a model of this age and size (that is, the model is reasonably photogenic without being too showy about it).

Andy’s Face comes with its own pose-able stand comprising of a torso, arms, legs and head that hold the Face firmly in place. The stand is quite bulky, even when compared with similar stands sold with other models, however during the course of thorough testing we found it performed adequately. As an added bonus the stand itself can be used to perform various peripheral activities, such as drinking and playing poker.

One of the main detracting features we noticed about Andy’s Face and the accompanying stand is that it was quite difficult to control, even when threatened. The Face has a tendency act of its own accord, sometimes even to the point of acting totally independently of its owners control. This design flaw is not something this reviewer considers acceptable, although this may be forgiven considering the cheap asking price.

Fortunately there are a range of accessories that can be purchased which can give increased control over the Face, including whips, tasers and guns, however these must be purchased separately.

THAT'S NOT IN GOOD TASTE

Headline from Fark:

"Explosion at winery leaves workers weak bodied with a rich red hue, containing discernible hints of charred debris and strong character best described as dead".

MUST CRUSH COMPETITION

A friend of mine has shamelessly copied my example and recently created his own blog: Words that Rhyme with Nick.

Let me just say from the outset, I don't approve of other people making blogs.

Allowing your average joe to make blogs, porn sites, or anything else on the internet dilutes the total amount of content that can be found and makes it harder for people to find the premium content. Premium content, like, say for example, this blog.

For that reason, I intend to disparage Nick mercilessly until I have crushed his spirit and sent him into a violent depression that forces him to close up shop and kill himself. Frankly I'm doing him a favour. He'll understand one day.

"Words that ryhme with Nick", indeed. I'll tell you a few words that rhyme with Nick:

None-too-quick, prick, ball-lick and sucks on d***.

I also understand your mother has been pulling tricks.

Disparaging completed.

OH, THE IRONY!

Man's life saved by his wedding ring.